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Writing Samples
Band 6

Something that is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the contemporary era, technological advancements have influenced many aspects of digital
games
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. The burgeoning prevalence of game consoles attracts
children
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 and adolescents to these
activities
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 rather than outside
activities
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. I fully endorse the idea that
children
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 should engage in more outdoor
activities
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, as I believe
this
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 offers a host of benefits. It is true that video
games
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 are incredibly appealing, offering a wide range of features that captivate players. Computer
games
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, with their increasingly sophisticated design and engaging narratives, are attracting a growing number of
children
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.
Moreover
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, the enhanced quality of these
games
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 has broadened their appeal to a wider audience as well.
For instance
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,
according to
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survey
Add an article
a survey
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 conducted in 2020 in England, 85% of
children
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 and teenagers prefer playing digital
games
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 over other
activities
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.
In addition
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, driven by the potential for high profits, game development companies compete for market share by developing and updating narrative-focused
games
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, and by engaging in extensive advertising campaigns.
However
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, the reduction in
children
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's participation in outdoor recreation has detrimental impacts.
Firstly
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, reduced outdoor activity can negatively impact
children
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's physical and mental health. Insufficient physical activity and limited mobility can contribute to obesity, eye strain, and a range of long-term health problems.
Furthermore
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, the addictive nature of some digital
games
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 can negatively affect
children
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's well-being.
Secondly
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,
children
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's reluctance to participate in group
activities
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 and their lack of effective communication skills can
paving
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pave
be paving
show examples
 the way to negative consequences, including depression and difficulties in future work and social relationships.
Finaly
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Finally
, the addictive engagement with digital
games
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 can contribute to academic underachievement in
children
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, which may
subsequently
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 present numerous challenges for governmental bodies. In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that increased outdoor activity is beneficial for
children
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's physical and mental well-being.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view by briefly acknowledging the potential benefits of video games, which could strengthen your argument by addressing counterarguments.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are developed with more detail and specific examples to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence and cohesion
To improve cohesion, use more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your work for small spelling errors (e.g., 'Finaly' should be 'Finally') and ensure that all your sentences flow well together.
positive
Your introduction clearly states your position and outlines the topic effectively.
positive
You present a solid conclusion that ties your points together and reiterates your main argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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