In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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While
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some are convinced that it is important for all towns and
cities
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to have large public outdoor places
such
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as squares and
parks
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as they make the
city
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greener, others think it is unnecessary because public spaces take
a
Change preposition
up a
show examples
lot of
place
Change to a plural noun
places
show examples
that can be used for advanced infrastructure. I firmly believe that green
areas
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should take a place in all
cities
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or towns because they offer numerous benefits. On the one hand, some individuals think that green
areas
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are important for all
cities
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because the
city
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becomes greener with them.
Firstly
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, green
areas
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that include different types of trees and plants make the air cleaner and healthier.
This
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may lead to a significant rise in people living in the
city
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because of
healthy
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health
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.
For instance
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, in Aktobe, which is a
city
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that is
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quite industrial,
parks
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make the air easier to
breath
Replace the word
breathe
show examples
beside the factories that are located in the downtown. Another reason is that outdoor places are interesting because of the Flora and Fauna that
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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these
areas
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healthier.
Consequently
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, people of all ages, especially kids and elderly people like to visit
parks
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just for a walk that improves their health.
On the other hand
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, green spaces are making the
city
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more interesting for tourists. The main reason is that the majority of visitors are tired of boring buildings or monuments, and they find
parks
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that make the
city
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brighter.
As a result
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, these
areas
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become
a
Correct article usage
apply
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popular
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
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that may attract more visitors.
For example
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, the park in the middle of New York is very impressive for many persons around the world and it is the main reason why they visit
this
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megacity.
Secondly
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, green
areas
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are reducing the noise level,
what
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
is important in a big
city
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. Urban industries are very loud and
parks
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are really helpful for soul calm.
For example
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, the majority of bloggers chose exactly
parks
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for their videos, because of the low sound level. In conclusion, I strongly support the importance of green
areas
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for all
cities
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and towns because
this
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has several benefits including the health of residents and the air quality, making the
city
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more comfortable for visiting or living.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing more counterarguments to strengthen your position and enhance the depth of your analysis.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to clearly link your ideas between sentences to improve overall flow, especially in the third paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively outline your position.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples that support your main points, demonstrating good understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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