IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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These days, some
people
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 hold the view that
people
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 should always share some messages with other
people
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 in scientific research, business and the academic world.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 others support that some
information
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 is too significant or too meaningful, and
people
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 should protect their security. In my opinion, I agree with form one, I support that
this
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 is a good way to promote the
development
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 of our nation. On the one hand, through changing some messages,
people
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 can find the trend of
science
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 and economic
development
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.
Firstly
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, As far as we all know,
science
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 and finance are the two significant parts
in
Change preposition
of
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 the country. When
people
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 get some new news, they can learn some new technology, it is a good way to improve facilities. Meanwhile, through the
development
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 of
science
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,
people
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's lives will become more and more convenient, comfortable and colourful.
In addition
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, When
people
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 get some new
information
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 about business, they can find a new action to manage their money.
People
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 should always share some
information
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 with their friends.
On the other hand
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, during the process of sharing some
information
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 with others,
people
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 will meet the problem of
information
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 leakage. Through the
development
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 of
science
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 and technology, there are all kinds of dangers in the places where we can not see.
However
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, when
people
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 find them, they will lead to a lot of problems,
such
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 as loss of important
information
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, illegal transactions, identity
information
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 disclosure and more. These problems will make
people
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's lives more and more terrible. In my opinion,
people
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 should be encouraged to communicate some
information
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 with other
people
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. It is a great method to open your mind, keep up the trend and be just on the bandwagon. Meanwhile, in
this
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 process,
people
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 can
also
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 expand their relationships and develop self-esteem. In conclusion,
people
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 should always share some
information
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 as much as possible, meanwhile, they should
also
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 pay attention to the safety problem, and reducing sharing can lead to accidents or disasters that threaten the peace and safety of the public.

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task achievement
Ensure that you clearly outline your position in the introduction. While your opinion is present, it could be stated more explicitly to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more linking words and phrases to improve the overall flow of your essay. This will help guide the reader through your arguments and improve coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or case studies to support your points about the benefits and risks of sharing information. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issue.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Your essay contains valid points about the importance of sharing information and the risks involved, showing an awareness of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • comprehend
  • retrospect
  • gain insights
  • reflect on
  • sharpen
  • evaluate
  • significance
  • heritage
  • legacy
  • advent
  • breakthroughs
  • sustain
  • sustainability
  • revolutions
  • empowered
  • overcome
  • transform
  • advancements
  • collaboration
  • cooperation
  • diversity
  • fulfilling
  • promote
  • facilitate
  • prosperity
  • enhance
  • foster
  • foundation
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