IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people's sugar consumption while others think that is individual's responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that consuming more
sugar
Use synonyms
 affects
health
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Some citizens thought the
government
Use synonyms
 should have the responsibility to control the
people
Use synonyms
 to not take too much
sugar
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, the
Government
Use synonyms
 has to do nothing with
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
 because they will give
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 brief overview
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the merits and demerits of
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption rest of
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 public
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to take care of their
health
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Sugar
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 called
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 slow
poision
Correct your spelling
poison
 if we take it in a large amount. Till today , Some
people
Use synonyms
 are not aware of
this
Linking Words
. For
this
Linking Words
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
public , the
government
Use synonyms
 have to take special counselling
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and provide them with
a good knowledge
Remove the article
good knowledge
a piece of good knowledge
show examples
 about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
.
May be
Correct your spelling
Maybe
show examples
 it will change some
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 mindset about the consumption of
sugar
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 and there are many possibilities they control
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 family members not to take
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, The
people
Use synonyms
 who are living in
village
Add an article
the village
a village
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
don't even know what happens to their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 if they take
sugar
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 too much.
For example
Linking Words
, we can see most of the citizens are habituated to
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 in the form
sweets
Change preposition
of sweets
show examples
 from their childhood
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
result
Change the verb form
results
show examples
 them bad
health
Use synonyms
. As we can see the maximum
Use synonyms
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
suffering from
diabetics
Replace the word
diabetes
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
cannot even a single piece of sweet
and
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 other food items. Eating
sugar
Use synonyms
 is not an issue
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 some extent but when it crosses it may be
a serious
Correct the article-noun agreement
a serious health issue
serious health issues
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 issues which can be irrecoverable. The
people
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 have to know about their
health
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 condition and have to
mover
Replace the word
move
show examples
 according
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 that. Some
people
Use synonyms
 won't change after the
government
Use synonyms
 counselling classes they continue the same process. I Strongly believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
every individual
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to fight
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their own
health
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of waiting for other's to do something.
Governement
Correct your spelling
Government
 work
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 will do, but the
people
Use synonyms
 have to be responsible for themselves in what to eat. The consumption of
sugar
Use synonyms
 leads to many
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
This
Linking Words
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to be
limit
Wrong verb form
limited
show examples
 for
ownselfs
Correct your spelling
oneself
.

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your ideas by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main point that supports your overall argument. Consider using transition words to connect your thoughts more effectively.
task achievement
Strengthen your introduction by clearly outlining your stance on the issue and stating the points you will discuss. This will help guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, when discussing the effects of sugar on health, citing statistics or studies would enhance your points.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion on the topic, indicating that you believe individuals should take responsibility for their health, which is an important aspect of the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • government regulation
  • public health campaigns
  • health risks
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • sugar tax
  • awareness
  • nutritional education
  • personal accountability
  • balance
  • moderation
  • socio-economic factors
  • food environment
  • healthy eating habits
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