IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Many people find it unfair to see the elderly pursuing occupations until a set
age
Use synonyms
 of
retirement
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. One group suggests that
workers
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 of certain fields benefit from getting
retirement
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 stipends earlier than others suffering less job-related deterioration. I totally agree with
this
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 statement and believe that physically demanding fields deserve to receive a pension at an earlier
age
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. First and foremost, some physically demanding roles are harmful to the health of
workers
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, and the long period of years with
a
Correct article usage
apply
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high burnout makes it impossible to continue until the
age
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 of 65 and
then
Linking Words
 retire.
Furthermore
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, another reason is that these people who mostly
does
Change the verb form
do
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 not hold a university degree
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 not get any income from any other source.
Hence
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, the need
for retiring
Change preposition
to retire
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 and
getting
Wrong verb form
get
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 a stipend earlier at
age
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 55 for
this
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 population is essential.
For instance
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, a study on 100 construction
workers
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 and 100 specialist physicians indicates that the first group faced 75% earlier to serious health conditions than the second group including doctors whose duties are diagnosing diseases, patient care and advising patients . Which particular population of
laborers
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labourers
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 would derive the highest benefit from
this
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 plan of
retirement
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 earlier than 65? Certainly, firefighters , police, construction
workers
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 and installation specialists are at the top of the list of occupants.
For instance
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, no company should expect an elderly after the
age
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 of 55 to work a physically demanding and complete exceptionally difficult
tasks
Fix the agreement mistake
task
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such
Linking Words
 as running into a fire to rescue fire victims.
As a result
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, these occupants must respectfully get monthly stipends earlier
while
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 enjoying their
retirement
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.
To conclude
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 whatever is discussed thoroughly, I agree with the idea that people consider some jobs more physically demanding and expect the government to retire them earlier for the reasons of longer working years and vulnerability to incidents.
Moreover
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, Particular jobs
such
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 as firefighters must get special attention
while
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 planning
this
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 idea.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, which is a great start. However, adding a brief overview of the arguments you'll discuss would improve clarity.
coherence
Your main points are relevant, but ensuring each point flows logically into the next will enhance coherence. Consider using transition phrases to guide the reader.
coherence
Ensure subject-verb agreement and clarity in your sentences. For example, changing 'the first group faced 75% earlier' to 'the first group faced serious health conditions 75% earlier than the second group' will improve clarity and correctness.
coherence
In your conclusion, avoid the phrase 'whatever is discussed thoroughly' as it may seem vague. Instead, briefly summarize your main points before reiterating your stance.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and expresses a clear opinion that is consistently supported throughout the text.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example involving construction workers and physicians, which strengthens your argument regarding the health impacts of physically demanding jobs.
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