IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful are these for children? Discuss possible solutions.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no denying the fact that children nowadays are having more and more addictive behaviours
due to
Linking Words
 various certain
activities
Use synonyms
, TV programs,and computer games are two of them, which lead them to get more violent. In
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will mention possible solutions for that.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are many solutions to that problem.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the parents play a key role in that,
in other words
Linking Words
, parents should let their children know the negative impact of too much time spent on any activity whether it is video games,
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 programs or any other activity. meaning, they must get their children with them out in any possible real-life
activities
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as, family gatherings,
travelling
Correct word choice
and travelling
show examples
, or it could be as simple as going to the supermarket, which surely will help them reduce the violence that they earn. Another solution is: setting a time limit for their possible bad
activities
Use synonyms
,
for instance
Linking Words
, the child must not spend more than 2 hours on certain
activities
Use synonyms
, and it can be as long as the parents feel suitable with them. That can be a significant solution and might
decline
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
 the
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
 issues and acts that they have. In conclusion, these kinds of behaviours
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can certainly be extremely painful for the kids, on their brain, social life and
also
Linking Words
 how they feel about themselves and the way they see life. and the mentioned solutions can perhaps have a huge positive impact and help them and their family to have
a stable and relaxed brains
Correct the article-noun agreement
a stable and relaxed brain
stable and relaxed brains
show examples
 and future life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Make sure to use correct punctuation and spacing, especially after commas and before sentence connectors. This will enhance readability.
examples
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This could strengthen your points and enhance the overall persuasiveness of your essay.
structure
Consider organizing your paragraphs more distinctly by clearly separating the introduction, body, and conclusion. This will improve the logical flow of your ideas.
content
You provide a clear understanding of the issues related to violence in children, which shows awareness of the topic.
content
Your suggestions for solutions are practical and show thoughtfulness about parental roles in addressing this issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: