IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Each kid is unique in their own way so spending free
time
Use synonyms
 with friends or alone is a personal choice but as parents, it is important to guide them. In
this
Linking Words
 modern world, some parents think
children
Use synonyms
 should spend their free
time
Use synonyms
 alone for some benefit others think they should encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to take part in
group
Use synonyms
 activities. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, these two main views will be discussed. On the one hand
Add a comma
,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 who spend their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 on their own have many
advantages
Use synonyms
 in detail, it helps them to improve independence, self-confidence and
time
Use synonyms
 management.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can spend
time
Use synonyms
 on their own interests which helps them to identify the talent that may be their career in the future.
For example
Linking Words
, we have seen many musicians like AR Rahman who spend their young age free
time
Use synonyms
 alone.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 smartphone
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 may get addicted to it
while
Linking Words
 spending their free
time
Use synonyms
 on their own so when they take part in organised
group
Use synonyms
 activities they learn socializing. Collaborating with others has many
advantages
Use synonyms
 in detail, it helps them to learn leadership and communication skills.
Particular
Change preposition
In particular
show examples
 they can learn to adapt to any environment,
any
Correct word choice
and any
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of people which is very important for them in their future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. A major advantage is these kids can be away from drugs and smartphone technologies the recent studies show the same. Taking everything into consideration, There are
advantages
Use synonyms
 to letting
children
Use synonyms
 spend their
time
Use synonyms
 alone but socializing is an important skill which can be learned only at a young age so
children
Use synonyms
 should take part in
group
Use synonyms
 activities to get more
advantages
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Strengthen the introduction by clearly stating your opinion on which side you support. This will enhance clarity and give a direction to the essay.
coherence
In the body paragraphs, try to have clearer topic sentences that reflect the main idea of each paragraph to improve logical flow.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or elaborating on your points related to the advantages of group activities or time spent alone. This will make your argument more compelling.
positive
The essay presents both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the issue at hand.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • occupied
  • organized
  • group activities
  • benefits
  • social
  • teamwork skills
  • interpersonal skills
  • friendship
  • discipline
  • time management
  • interests
  • hobbies
  • independent play
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • self-reliance
  • explore
  • discover
What to do next:
Look at other essays: