IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Power consumption of sugar is unhealthy some people think that government should take the responsibility to control sugar intake while other things it is the responsibility of individual discuss both the views and give your opinion

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As everyone knows that consuming
sugar
Use synonyms
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 but many people cannot
control
Use synonyms
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake and suffers from various health
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay I will discuss the responsibility of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to manage
sugar
Use synonyms
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
 how each person can take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own. Nowadays the conception of
sugar
Use synonyms
 is so high and it causes many health problems to
control
Use synonyms
 these many citizens
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
show examples
 that
government
Use synonyms
 should take the authority to manage
sugar
Use synonyms
intakes
Fix the agreement mistake
intake
show examples
,
for instance
Linking Words
, producing less
sugar
Use synonyms
 can help to take
control
Use synonyms
 over rising
sugar
Use synonyms
sells
Correct your spelling
sales
show examples
, if we stop producing
sugar
Use synonyms
 in certain amount we can actually take the
control
Use synonyms
 another way is to increase price of the
sugar
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 help to manage
sugar
Use synonyms
 level because if price of
sugar
Use synonyms
 will increase
then
Linking Words
 people will start to buy less
sugar
Use synonyms
.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 it
also
Linking Words
 depends on
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 because if
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 cannot understand the effects of
sugar
Use synonyms
 on their body
then
Linking Words
 they will continue to buy
sugar
Use synonyms
 they have to wear by themselves
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how can
sugar
Use synonyms
causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
show examples
 problems in their body
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
also
Linking Words
spreding awarness
Correct your spelling
spreading awareness
to the
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 and
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
everyone
acknowledge
Change the verb form
acknowledges
show examples
 each other and
explaines
Correct your spelling
explaining
 the disadvantages of eating
sugar
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 effects
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people to
stops
Wrong verb form
stop
show examples
 eating sweets and starts eating less
sugar
Use synonyms
 will make more impact than
government
Use synonyms
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 the price of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 and
takes
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
control
Use synonyms
 to produce less
sugar
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in my opinion spreading awareness
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 individuals will be more impactful.
thus
Linking Words
 it is an individual's authority to manage their
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 the role of 
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the topic and outlines the points you will discuss in your essay. A clear thesis statement can help guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your essay. Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. For instance, use 'firstly', 'additionally', and 'in conclusion' to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Provide specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. For instance, mention statistics or studies that highlight the health risks associated with high sugar intake.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument, discussing the role of both government and individuals, which shows a good understanding of the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your concluding statement clearly reflects your opinion, making it easy for the reader to understand your perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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