IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 years old watch television and/or play video games too much. How does the problem affect? What measures can be taken to control it?

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A report showed that a lot of
children
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 who are between 7 and 11 years old excessively watch television and play
video
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games
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 and
this
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 can lead to unhealthy habits and damage physical
health
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.
However
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,
this
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 situation can be tackled by raising awareness among their
parents
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 through government-sponsored
campaigns
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. The main possible consequence
from
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of
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 an excessive amount of
time
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 spent
on
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apply
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watching TV and playing
video
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games
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 is on the physical
health
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 of
children
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.
Children
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 tend to stay in front of the
TVs
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 or computers
instead
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 of going outside to play sports or play with their friends, prohibiting them from moving and using their bodies properly;
therefore
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, they will lack hand-eye coordination skills and will not be able to develop their muscles.
Moreover
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, these types of relaxation affect directly
to
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apply
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their eyes which might damage their ability to see in the future.
For instance
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, many people have worn glasses since they were young because they spent most of their leisure
time
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 on screens.
However
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,
this
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 situation can be controlled and addressed by the government's public
campaigns
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, encouraging
parents
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 to find some outdoor activities and
foster
Verb problem
encourage
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 their kids to do more exercise. The
campaigns
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 will play a vital role in educating fathers and mothers about the negative impacts of spending too much
time
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 on
TVs
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 and
video
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games
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 and
also
Linking Words
 providing alternative options that allow
children
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 to relax
while
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 improving their physical
health
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.
For example
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, there were viral posters attached to public transportation showing the harmful results of playing
video
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games
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 too much and offering free sports events that allowed everyone to join.
This
Linking Words
finally
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 brought both teenagers and
children
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 to go out more and play sports
instead
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 of sitting in front of
TVs
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 or laptops. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it is undeniable that spending too much
time
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 on
video
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games
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 and
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TVs
Fix the agreement mistake
TV
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 results negatively on
children
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's physical
health
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, especially their eyes, its severity can be lowered by raising awareness with their
parents
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 which can be done through public
campaigns
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. If
parents
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 realize that there are many drawbacks
of
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to
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 letting their
children
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 play
video
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games
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 or watch TV too much, they will be willing to change their habits and encourage their
children
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 to choose alternative activities.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more comprehensive introduction that outlines the issue and the specific measures that will be discussed in your essay. This will help establish a clearer framework for your response.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and clearly supports your central argument. This will enhance the clarity and flow of your essay.
task achievement
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed and restating the significance of addressing the issue. This will give your essay a more impactful ending.
task achievement
The essay effectively identifies a significant problem and suggests relevant measures to address it, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You use examples to illustrate the negative effects of excessive screen time, which helps to support your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing generally flows well with a logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive screen time
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • eye strain
  • violent content
  • psychological development
  • desensitization
  • academic performance
  • educational pursuits
  • social implications
  • face-to-face interactions
  • communication skills
  • time restrictions
  • alternative activities
  • healthy lifestyle
  • outdoor activities
  • balanced routine
  • negative consequences
What to do next:
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