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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
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THE BAR CHART ILLUSTRATES THE SHARE OF BOTH GENDERS MALE AND FEMALE ESPECIALLY,
MEN
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 AND
WOMEN
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 IN THE AGE GROUP BETWEEN 60 AND 64 IN
EMPLOYMENT
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 WITHIN FOUR COUNTRIES(AUSTRALIA,JAPAN,USA
AS WELL AS
Linking Words
 BELGIUM).IN THE YEARS OF 1970 AND 2000.
OVERALL
Linking Words
,THE
PERCENTAGE
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 OF
MAN
Fix the agreement mistake
MEN
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 IN
EMPLOYMENT
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 IS HIGH AS COMPARED WITH
WOMEN
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 AND THE SHARE OF
WOMEN
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NOT
Add a missing verb
HAS NOT
show examples
 REACHED
TO
Change preposition
apply
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50 PERCENT.IN BELGIUM THE PART OF
MEN
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 IN
EMPLOYMENT
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IS
Unnecessary verb
apply
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DRAMATICALLY
DECREADED
Correct your spelling
DECREASED
 FROM 1970 TO 2000AS WELL AS THE CONTRIBUTION OF
WOMEN
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ALSO
Linking Words
 DECREASED IN
EMPLOYMENT
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.MEANWHILE,IN JAPAN THE
PERCENTAGE
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 OF
MEN
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 AND
WOMEN
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 IN
EMPLOYMENT
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 HAS NOT MAJOR DIFFERENCES FROM 1970 TO 2000.
Linking Words
ADDITIONALLY
Add a comma
ADDITIONALLY,
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 THE
PERCENTAGE
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 OF
WOMEN
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 INCREASED IN AUSTRALIA AND
USA
Correct article usage
THE USA
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 IN 2000. PARTICULARLY,
MAN
Correct your spelling
THE MALE
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 PERCENTILE
IS
Wrong verb form
WAS
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MORE
Correct word choice
HIGHER
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 IN JAPAN IN 1970
MOREOVER
Linking Words
 ALL THE REMAINING COUNTRIES
HAS
Wrong verb form
HAD
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 NEARLY
SAME
Correct article usage
THE SAME
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 .
ALTHOUGH
Linking Words
 THE PORTION OF
MAN
Fix the agreement mistake
MEN
show examples
DECREASES
Wrong verb form
DECREASED
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 IN ALL THE COUNTRIES IN 2000.
HOWEVER
Linking Words
,THE PORTION OF
WOMEN
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 HAS A SMALL
CHANGES
Fix the agreement mistake
CHANGE
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 FROM 1970 TO 2000 .MEANWHILE IN USA AND AUSTRALIA IN 2000 THE
PERCENTAGE
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 OF
WOMEN
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 INCREASED.
ALTHOUGH
Linking Words
IN
Change preposition
apply
show examples
OVERALL
Linking Words
 THE
PERCENTAGE
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 OF BOTH (
MEN
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
WOMEN
Correct word choice
AND WOMEN
show examples
)
IS
Unnecessary verb
apply
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DECREASED DRAMATICALLY IN 2000.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although, overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, employment, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment rate
  • Percentage
  • Significant increase/decrease
  • Fluctuation
  • Gender disparity
  • Trend
  • Decline
  • Improvement
  • Variation
  • Noteworthy
  • Aligned
  • Comparative analysis
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