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Band 7.5

Some people think that young children should learn how to play a musical instrument at school. Others believe that other subjects, such as mathematics and science, should be prioritised because they will be more useful for children when they grow older. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some argue that young
children
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 should learn to play a musical instrument in school,
while
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 others believe that
subjects
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 like mathematics and science should take priority because they are more beneficial in the long run.
While
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 musical education enhances creativity and discipline, I believe that core academic
subjects
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 better prepare
children
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 for future success. On the one hand, learning a musical instrument can develop important life
skills
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. Music fosters creativity and emotional expression, allowing
children
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 to communicate their feelings through melodies.
For instance
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, my younger sister used the piano as an outlet for her emotions, playing slow tunes when she was sad.
Moreover
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, playing an instrument requires patience and time management, as mastering it takes practice.
However
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,
while
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 these
skills
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 are valuable, music can be learned as an extracurricular activity rather than being prioritized in the school curriculum.
On the other hand
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, core
subjects
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such
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 as mathematics, science, and technology are more essential for
children
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's future academic and professional lives. These
subjects
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 develop analytical thinking, logical reasoning, and problem-solving
skills
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, which are crucial for higher education and careers.
For example
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, learning technology from an early age helps students gain research
skills
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 and familiarity with presentation software, which are necessary for academic success and the modern workplace. Schools should focus on equipping students with practical knowledge that ensures their adaptability in an increasingly digital world. In conclusion,
while
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 learning music has benefits, prioritizing academic
subjects
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 is more important for
children
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’s future success. A strong foundation in essential
subjects
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 will help them thrive in both education and their professional careers.

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task achievement
Consider adding more concrete examples or data to support your points about the benefits of music education and the importance of core subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next and consider using more linking phrases to enhance coherence.
structure
The argument is clearly stated, and the structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
engagement
The use of personal examples, such as your sister's experience with the piano, adds a relatable element to the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • emotional expression
  • creativity
  • foundation skills
  • analytical thinking
  • problem-solving abilities
  • well-rounded education
  • cultural awareness
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • motivation
  • engagement
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