IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

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In recent years,
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 tended to find work abroad
due to
Linking Words
 the decreasing job opportunities in their country. Moving for work often gives the crowd access to better employment prospects, higher salaries, and the ability to support their families from afar.
While
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 there are disadvantages to
this
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 development, I believe that the advantages outweigh them. One of the major
advantage
Change to a plural noun
advantages
show examples
 is relocation for
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
 can add valuable experiences, professional growth and career progression that might not be possible in their hometowns.
For instance
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, an individual with the same portfolio as the one working in the West will have a low income compared to him and have a stagnant position for years.
Such
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 experiences are not seen in bodies working in developed countries.
Therefore
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, moving away
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 work provides them with an opportunity to grow their profession
as well as
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 career. Another significant benefit is having cultural exposure which helps the person to broaden their perspectives.
For example
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, it helps them to get exposed to new languages and find different ways of living , Which helps the individuals enrich personally and professionally.
As a result
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, living and working in a new place can broaden horizons. In summary,
although
Linking Words
 there may be disadvantages like leaving friends and family behind can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation . The advantages of self-exploration of a new country and being able to support their clan in comparatively better ways outweigh them.
While
Linking Words
 it is undeniably true that in the near future, we will see more groups of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 migrating unless the government does not come up with better prospects that suit everyone.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction could be improved by clearly outlining the structure of your essay. This helps the reader know what to expect.
Task Achievement
In the second body paragraph, consider expanding on how cultural exposure leads to personal and professional growth by providing specific examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure to use consistent tense throughout your writing. For instance, change 'can add valuable experiences' to 'can add valuable experience' to maintain singular form.
Task Achievement
In your conclusion, reiterate your main points briefly to reinforce your argument about the advantages outweighing the disadvantages.
Task Achievement
Good use of examples to illustrate points about professional growth and cultural exposure.
Task Achievement
Clear expression of personal belief regarding the advantages outweighing the disadvantages, which is important for task fulfillment.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
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