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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below shows the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruits and vegetables per day in the UK from 2001 to 2008.

The chart below shows the percentage of people who ate five portions of fruits and vegetables per day in the UK from 2001 to 2008.
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This
Linking Words
 bar illustrates the amount of
fruits
Use synonyms
 and
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
 been ingested by men, women and children between the years 2001 to 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, by looking
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the chart it's clear that women are the most consuming between men and children.
While
Linking Words
 men appear to be the lowest all over
this
Linking Words
 period.
Firstly
Linking Words
, females
are eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
fruits
Use synonyms
 and
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
 by 22% in
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2001.
Linking Words
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
 the percentage kept to be
raising
Correct your spelling
rising
show examples
 constantly to 30% in
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2005
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 reached
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak in
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2006 up to 35%.
While
Linking Words
 between 2007 to 2008 represented a mild drop down to 30%.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it's observed that consuming
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fruits
Use synonyms
 is less than women.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentage of having
fruits
Use synonyms
 portion is increasing gradually
started
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 by 12% in 2001
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 2006 reached to 28%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 steady before it
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
 to 22% by
Use synonyms
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2008.
Finally
Linking Words
, kids showed
constant
Add an article
the constant
a constant
show examples
 amount of
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
vegetables in the first three years.
Then
Linking Words
 increased constantly
untill
Correct your spelling
until
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 the surge
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 26% in 2007 before going down again to 24% in 2008.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words fruits, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "drop" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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