IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some think that it is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. To what extent to you agree or disagree?

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Some individuals are of the opinion that
children
Use synonyms
 should only spend time outdoors
instead
Linking Words
 of playing
games
Use synonyms
. From
personal
Add an article
a personal
show examples
 perspective, I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 school of thought. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will
Linking Words
firstly
Change the word
first
show examples
 examine both viewpoints before proposing whether or not the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. There are several reasons why parents might think that playing
outsides
Correct your spelling
outside
show examples
 is beneficial.
Firstly
Linking Words
, participating
outdoor
Change preposition
in outdoor
show examples
 activities is a crucial burden for
children
Use synonyms
 to improve their physical and mental health which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 better than staring at
technological
Add an article
a technological
the technological
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 electric screen for an extended period. By doing so,
children
Use synonyms
 can restrict eye problems.
Secondly
Linking Words
, doing outdoor activities is a bridge to connect
others
Change preposition
with others
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, when hanging out to play
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 like football,
basketball
Correct word choice
or basketball
show examples
,
children
Use synonyms
 can develop their communication skills
between
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their playmates which is a potential chance to be more confident and mature.
Finally
Linking Words
,
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 day and age often contain some violent scenes which can distort their moral beliefs and have a detrimental impact on their minds. In spite of the fact that playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 has loads of drawbacks, I still hold the view that it
also
Linking Words
 can become a wonderful way for
children
Use synonyms
’s
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
 only in moderation. The main
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
 of
video
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 that teach
children
Use synonyms
 technology fluency which is an essential skill in today’s modern world.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
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 who familiarize
with
Correct pronoun usage
themselves with
show examples
 keyboard shortcuts
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 become good for themselves in the future.
Additionally
Linking Words
, I believe that parents should not prevent
children
Use synonyms
 from playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. After
a school days
Correct the article-noun agreement
a school day
school days
show examples
 already long enough,
children
Use synonyms
 need to relax their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 as
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are an effective method to do so. If parents just promote their kids by pressuring themselves, they could become depressed and burned out. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 the benefits
is obviously outperform
Change the verb form
obviously outperform
show examples
 the drawbacks, I still agree that parent should allow their
children
Use synonyms
 to engage in playing
video
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 in some cases.

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task achievement
Try to improve your thesis statement to clearly reflect both sides of the argument. Stating that you 'partly agree' is a good start, but clarify how much weight you give to both perspectives.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to enhance your transitions between ideas and paragraphs, which will create a smoother flow.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that you use correct grammar, specifically in terms of subject-verb agreement and article usage, as there are some grammatical errors that need addressing.
task achievement
You provided personal insights and balanced viewpoints, which enrich your essay.
task achievement
You effectively identified important points concerning both outdoor activities and video games, highlighting the pros and cons.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • physical health
  • exercise and movement
  • social interaction
  • teamwork
  • communication skills
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • hand-eye coordination
  • holistic approach
  • environmental awareness
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • posture
  • balance
What to do next:
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