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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
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The chart illustrates the proportion of males and females aged from 60 -64 years old employment status in
Australia
Use synonyms
.Japan,
USA
Use synonyms
, Beigium In two periods of time 1970 and 2000. It is readily apparent that
Jaban
Correct your spelling
Japan
 had the highest
male
Correct quantifier usage
number of male
show examples
 and female
workers
Use synonyms
 in the two different periods.
Linking Words
While in
Correct word choice
In
show examples
 1970 and 2000 female
workers
Use synonyms
 in Belgium were at their lowest point among the four countries , which
the
Add a missing verb
was the
show examples
 same situation for male
workers
Use synonyms
 in 1970, but in 2000
Australia
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the lowest male
workers
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 above 60
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2000. The percentage of male
workers
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 aged 60 -64 years old in
Jaban
Correct your spelling
Japan
 was 76 % which increased in 2000 by 14% , the situation is the same for the females in 1997 they were 40 % and increased by 3% in 2000. Regarding the
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 who aged 60 till 64 worked in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 in the 1970 period , they were almost
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the same percentage
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 47% and 55% , with 74% and 73% in the 2000 period. Belgium in 1970 ranked the fourth country regarding male employees by 19% , which changed dramatically to become the second country with over 60 male employees by 79%. For women aged 60 to 64
USA
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 and
Australia
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 shared the same fall pattern in both periods of time , declining in the
USA
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 from 38 % in 1970 to 36% in 2000, 1% decreasing from 19% to 18% in female
workers
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 in
Australia
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. In 1970 and 2000 women employed in Belgium
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 almost the same and the lowest among the four groups by 7 % and 8% , respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Add more linking words.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, usa, workers with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment rate
  • Percentage
  • Significant increase/decrease
  • Fluctuation
  • Gender disparity
  • Trend
  • Decline
  • Improvement
  • Variation
  • Noteworthy
  • Aligned
  • Comparative analysis
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