IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard workers? what are the factors that should be cosidered while recruiting the staffs for sales positions?

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As
of
Change preposition
for
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 the world in the present day, we cannot decline that money is the one main factor to live as a human, which we need to exchange between work and salary.
Furthermore
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, Many
of
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apply
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jobs can produce
hugely
Change the adverb
huge
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 income, especially sales positions that get paid from the number of sold
products
Use synonyms
 and commissions percentage from the total
of
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apply
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price.
Hence
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, people come to find the company
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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hire
Correct subject-verb agreement
hires
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this
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 position in any
of
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apply
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industry,
for
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example
Add the comma(s)
example,
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 cars, electronic devices, or insurance. Looking
to
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at
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 sales positions, we might think that the
nescessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 skills to
entering in
Wrong verb form
enter
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this
Linking Words
 area must be hungry for money, but there are other reasons either the owner or human resources department
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to consider first.
Firstly
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, convincing is hugely important to
this
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 industry,
such
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 as we should understand what customers
Add a missing verb
are interest
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interest
Replace the word
interested
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and
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in and
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 start
to
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apply
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persuading
Correct pronoun usage
them on
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on
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of
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 their needs.
Second,
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after-sales service is
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 part
for
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of
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 making trustworthy
for
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apply
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customers,
moreover
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 it
apply
Change the verb form
applies
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 to
create
Wrong verb form
creating
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royalty
Correct article usage
a royalty
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 program which
is casued
Wrong verb form
causes
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 to buying loop on their ensuring
products
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
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,
outsider
Fix the agreement mistake
outsiders
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 still have
Add an article
the mind
a mind
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mind set
Correct your spelling
mindset
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 that these workers are the
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 who
driving
Wrong verb form
drive
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force
Correct article usage
the force
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 with cash only.
On the other hand
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, some people are actually in
this
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 method and perform with terrible services which make people who face
with
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apply
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this
Linking Words
 issue, they will receive badly memory and do not want to buy
this
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 kind of company anymore,
althrough
Correct your spelling
although
 the
products
Use synonyms
 have
extremly
Correct your spelling
extremely
benifit
Correct your spelling
benefit
benefits
 or efficient to them.
Therefore
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, every
companies
Change to a singular noun
company
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 should
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
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and
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of and
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 set the standard qualification
to
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for
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 recruiting
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this
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for this
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 position.
To conclude
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, the main additional factors that should be considered are convincing skills and after-sales service.
In addition
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, some companies only focus on
quality
Add an article
the quality
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 of
products
Use synonyms
, yet choosing the right
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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 is
also
Linking Words
 important, so these two points should be improved in the same direction.

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structure
The introduction could be made more engaging by clearly stating your thesis or your main argument at the end of the introductory paragraph.
clarity
Some sentences are quite lengthy and could be broken down for better clarity. For example, separate complex ideas into simpler parts for easier reading.
language
Ensure that the spelling of words is correct, e.g., 'necessary' instead of 'nescessary', and 'benefit' instead of 'benifit'. Such inaccuracies can distract the reader.
lexical resource
Use more varied vocabulary, particularly in discussing the skills needed for sales positions. This will enhance the quality of your writing.
content
You have identified various important factors for sales positions beyond monetary motivation, which shows a deeper understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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