IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 1.5

3. Many people today are worried about young children using video games. what problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole.? How could these problems be reduced.?

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Children nowadays spend the majority of their time on video games, as the industry of video gaming expands, the availability and accessibility increases.
Problems
Use synonyms
 come aside
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 video gaming, mountless of
harmfull
Correct your spelling
harmful
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 and sometimes can be serious. It could lead to eye
problems
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as dry eyes,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
muscle atrophy
due to
Linking Words
 the time spent by the children sitting on the couch,
that is
Linking Words
 in terms of physical
problems
Use synonyms
. But in terms of psychological
problems
Use synonyms
Linking Words
on
Add the comma(s)
, on
show examples
 the other hand, it could lead to
dissaocciation
Correct your spelling
dissociation
 from society,
loneleness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
 and depression. These
problems
Use synonyms
 can be minimized by involving the child in social clubs, sports and volunteering societies. As sometimes children may tend to spend time on
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
 and gaming
due to
Linking Words
 the feeling of
emptieness
Correct your spelling
emptiness
.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or research to support your claims about the effects of video games on children and society.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas more smoothly using cohesive devices, such as 'however', 'furthermore', and 'in addition'.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen your introduction, briefly outline the problems and solutions you will discuss in your essay.
task achievement
You have identified a clear problem associated with video games, including both physical and psychological aspects.
task achievement
Your suggestions for minimizing the problems are relevant and demonstrate an understanding of potential solutions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • interpersonal skills
  • violent content
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
  • family dynamics
  • educational campaigns
  • parental controls
  • alternative activities
  • content ratings
  • cognition
What to do next:
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