IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

the percentage of australia children in three groups taking part in four kinds of activities in 2018.

The graph provides information about the children in three groups joining activities in Australia in 2018 in terms of four
classification
Change to a plural noun
classifications
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 namely watching
Use synonyms
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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, reading, playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 and riding bikes.
Overall
Linking Words
, While12-16
years
Use synonyms
 old gradually increased over the measured period.
While
Linking Words
 5-8
years
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 old and 9-11
years
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 old dropped slowly.
Additionally
Linking Words
, 5-8
years
Use synonyms
 was the highest point
by
Change preposition
for
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 watching
TV
Use synonyms
. The percentage of Australian children joining activities in 2018. 5-
8
Correct your spelling
8-year-old
years
Use synonyms
 old guys number showed a much bigger figure by watching
TV
Use synonyms
 with 95% compared to other categories.
This
Linking Words
 figure for reading books and playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
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 to 63% and 60%
however
Linking Words
 it increased by riding bikes with 68%.
By contrast
Linking Words
, in Australia the percentage of 9-11
years
Use synonyms
 old and 12-16
years
Use synonyms
 old children joining activities
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 smaller for the remaining categories by Watching
TV
Use synonyms
 with 80. These declined to 65% reading books. Playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and riding bikes experienced a drop to 57% and 60% in 9 -11
years
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old
Correct word choice
apply
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but
12
Change preposition
at 12
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-16
years
Use synonyms
 old a decrease and a drop to 40% and 82% in 2018.
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
12-16
years
Use synonyms
 old was the lowest point
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
 playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.

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Grammar
Ensure that your sentences are grammatically correct. There were some grammatical mistakes such as 'While12-16 years old' should be 'While the percentage of 12-16 years old'.
Punctuation
Make sure to use proper punctuation, especially with your figures and percentages. For example, there should be a space between 'While' and '12-16 years old'.
Task Achievement
Try to provide a clearer overview of the main trends in the introduction. For instance, mention the overall trends of each age group in terms of activity participation more explicitly.
Coherence
Use linking words or phrases to create better flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
Task Achievement
You did a good job of providing specific percentages to support your points, which helps in illustrating the trends in children's activities.
Coherence
The comparison between different age groups is well noted, showing an understanding of the data presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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