IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

To potentially reduce future maternity leave costs, some might suggest small
businesses
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 refrain from hiring young, childless
women
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.
While
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 small
businesses
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 should not engage them , I would agree that employing
women
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 who have their own
family
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families
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 can be worked by private
business
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businesses
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. On the one hand,
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Add an article
the company
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company
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companies
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 have to hire
amount
Correct article usage
an amount
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 of money and lack of labour force why two
mains reason
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main reasons
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 small
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company
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companies
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 are not advisable to charter
women
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 who
their
Add a missing verb
have their
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 own
family
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families
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.
To begin
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 with, when a woman goes on maternity leave, the
company
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 has to incur several expenses,
for
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example
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example,
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 recruitment costs, compensation and benefits to
women
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.
However
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, for small or newly established companies,
this
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 represents a significant sum of money for them.
Also
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, human resource shortage is
also
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 a big problem. They have to divide the work more for everyone in the
company
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 even to recruit more personnel. It makes me spend more time and disturb the peace at work.
On the other hand
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, small
businesses
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 have
women
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 who have to support their
family
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families
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 because of gender equality and they are enthusiastic humans. In the workplace, the ability to work is the same for both men and
women
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, they have the same chances for promotions, training, and leadership roles based on their skills and qualifications.In Vietnam today, there are indeed many
women
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 holding significant positions within the government apparatus.
This
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 reflects a growing trend towards gender equality in leadership roles within the country
such
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 as Nguyen Thi Hong holds the crucial role of Governor of the State Bank of Vietnam. She is responsible for managing the country's monetary policy.
Secondly
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,
women
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 who already have children tend to be more passionate because the majority of them have many years of experience in the profession. In conclusion, the idea has been raised that small
businesses
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 could minimize future maternity leave expenses by not employing young
women
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 who haven't started families. I believe it
is not affect
Change the verb form
is not affected
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 by
small
Add an article
a small
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company
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.

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Task Achievement
Clearly outline your position in the introduction and ensure it is reflected throughout your essay. Strengthen the clarity of your main arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more cohesive devices and linking words to improve the flow of your arguments between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas a bit more fully to provide a clearer explanation and more depth to your arguments. Ensure each point is fully supported with specific examples or explanations.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by providing arguments for both views, which adds depth to the discussion.
Task Achievement
Some relevant examples are provided, such as mentioning Nguyen Thi Hong, which helps support your point about women's capabilities.
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