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Writing Samples
Band 5

Women play quite different role in society than twenty years ago. They make career growth, earn money, drive cars and spend less time with their children. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Women
Use synonyms
 have various responsibilities in the community compared to twenty years ago
such
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 as career growth,making funds,driving automobiles and spending little time with their children. The advantages of
this
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 are that
women
Use synonyms
 are not relegated to the background anymore and they become equal with men in the society.
However
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, some disadvantages are that
this
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 makes them
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in an unhealthy competition with men and they do not have time for their families anymore. One benefit of finding more
women
Use synonyms
 in the workspace nowadays is that they are not being looked down upon anymore. In the past,it was believed that females belonged in the kitchen and should not be seen taking roles in professional careers. So,
this
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 helps
women
Use synonyms
 to be seen as
also
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 important in the workforce.
Moreover
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, they become equal
or
Change preposition
to or
show examples
 even better than their male counterparts.
This
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 gives a different perspective on how
women
Use synonyms
 are viewed in general.
For example
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, In Nigeria,more
women
Use synonyms
 are being employed in multinational companies and large industries often.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 leads to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
toxic and unhealthy competition with men. As they tend to strive for dominance at work often leading to
burnouts
Fix the agreement mistake
burnout
show examples
 and other health complications.
In addition
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, they focus so much on their jobs and neglect the homefront. They
therefore
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 deprive their husbands and children of the necessary attention that they need.
For Instance
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, children might need help with their assessments but both parents are not available. In conclusion,
while
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women
Use synonyms
 are seen as powerful forces just like their male counterparts in the community and are not
belitted
Correct your spelling
belittled
 anymore,it is necessary that they
also
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 pay attention to their families and strive
Change preposition
for that
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 good
worklife
Correct your spelling
work-life
work life
 balance.

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task achievement
Expand on your points further to develop your ideas, particularly in the disadvantages section where additional examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas; this will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of your writing.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the main points of discussion and presents a balanced view of the topic.
task achievement
Examples from real life, such as the reference to Nigeria, add relevance and specificity to your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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