IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many companies around the world, high-level positions like executives or managers are occupied by men. Why is this the case? Do you think companies should appoint more women into such positions?

In numerous corporations all over the world,
men
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 usually dominate superior
positions
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such
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 as executives and managers.In my opinion,
gender
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 stereotypes and
gender
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discrimination
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 cause
this
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 problem. I suppose that more and more
women
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 workers should be given chances to get
such
Linking Words
positions
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.
To begin
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 with, there is a stereotype that
women
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 are more likely to engage in doing house chores and after giving birth,
women
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 do not return to their work, which may be the primary
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
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 why
women
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's empowerment is disturbed.
Also
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,
this
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 tightened perspective against
women
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 discourages them
to get
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
 higher
positions
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, which is called the ambition gap between
men
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 and
women
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. Unfortunately, there can be no doubt that female workers
also
Linking Words
 face
gender
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discrimination
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,
for example
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, male promotion managers assume that clerical work is more suitable
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 than managerial and sales promotion
works
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work
show examples
. To eliminate
this
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gender
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 gap,I think that companies should hire females
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
high-position
Correct your spelling
position
show examples
.
Firstly
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,
women
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 have different thinking
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 about parenting and daily-life products
such
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 as beauty-care commodities and so on from
men
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.
Women
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 ,
therefore
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, can meet the urgent needs every individual female faces, which can contribute to stimulating female consuming power.
Secondly
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, with
women
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 getting better
positions
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, companies can demolish
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gender
Correct article usage
the gender
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 payment gap and
discrimination
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.
This
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 shift can
promote
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
women
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 to participate in society after becoming mothers and in the long run,
women
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's increasing
salary
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salaries
show examples
 will lead to economic growth. In conclusion,
gender
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stereotype
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stereotypes
show examples
 and
discrimination
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 account for the reason why
men
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 tend to get more
promotion
Fix the agreement mistake
promotions
show examples
 than
women
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. To change
men
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-dominated society, companies are required to give
women
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 opportunities to get high-level
positions
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure your main points are clearly explained so that the reader can easily follow your ideas.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. For instance, include examples of companies that have successfully promoted women to high positions.
coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid long sentences that may confuse the reader. Break them down into simpler sentences.
task achievement
The essay identifies key issues like stereotypes and discrimination regarding women's roles.
coherence and cohesion
You provide a clear conclusion that summarizes your main points well.
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