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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Whether women are believed to take care of children better than the other gender

Whether
women
Use synonyms
 are believed to take
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 better than the other gender.
While
Linking Words
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 usually have an edge over others in the field of taking
care
Use synonyms
 of
children
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, being educated by
both
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 contributes to family egalitarianism and
also
Linking Words
 the holistic development of
children
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will point out how being taken
care
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 of by
both
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parents
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 is more advantageous. One of the potential reasons for
this
Linking Words
 notion is the equality of each family member. Having
separated
Replace the word
separate
show examples
 equality missions
into
Change preposition
for
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 mother and father absolutely
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 each of them to have responsibility for their
children
Use synonyms
, synonymous with, decreasing stress and burden in
both
Use synonyms
 members,
that mean
Verb problem
which
show examples
 creates the aparity ambience in
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
.
For example
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, if
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 reduced the
time
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 for their
children
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, they would have
time
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 for earning money and supporting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the financial of family.
Hence
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, there is no doubt that family equality would be
contributed
Verb problem
achieved
show examples
 if
children
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 were taken
care
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 of by
both
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parents
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. What makes
this
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 particularly reasonable is the holistic development
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. Having been educated by
both
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 genders,
children
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would be
Verb problem
are
show examples
 likely to have a multidimensional view
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 each daily life conditions, yet, being supported by
both
Use synonyms
parents
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 can help them fully enhance their soft skills,
such
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 as cooking or managing
time
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 skills. To explain
further
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, their mental and physical health would be guaranteed because each gender has a different view
to value
Change preposition
of valuing
show examples
 their
children
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, thereby giving
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 suitable way to ameliorate them at the right
time
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.
Hence
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, whether or not
children
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 had been taken
care
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 of by
both
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parents
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, they would have a chance to fully develop.
In contrast
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, advocates of leading only
women
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 to take
care
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 of their
children
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 argue that
women
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 have better skills.
This
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 is
due to
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 traditional belief;
however
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, were men to adopt a curriculum with regard to taking
care
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 of
children
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 , they would have wholly acknowledged in order to do the same as
women
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.
Therefore
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 , it would be untrue to believe that taking
care
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 of
children
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 is just for
women
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. In conclusion,
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whereas
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
women
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 can absolutely complete their
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 better than men.
It is clear that
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, being taken
care
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 of by
both
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parents
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 not only
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
 to
reduce less
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 discrimination within
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to have holistic development.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects to your overall argument. This will help your essay flow better.
task achievement
Use clearer examples to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use simpler sentences and clearer language. This will make your ideas easier to understand.
task achievement
You provide a good introduction that outlines your main argument.
task achievement
You show an understanding of the importance of both parents in a child's development.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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