IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries women are able to join the armed forces now on the equal basis of men.However,some people think only men should be members of the army,navy and Air Force.Do you agree or disagree?

Recently, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 a growing debate about whether only
men
Use synonyms
 should participate in the army, navy and Air Force. In my perspective, I do not agree with that, and I will give some explanation about why I support
women
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Correct pronoun usage
who also
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 have the chance to join the military in
this
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 essay. The
primarily
Change the adverb
primary
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 reason I
against
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am against
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with
Change preposition
apply
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this
Linking Words
 opinion is because it denies the ability of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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women
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 that could
also
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 complete the mission
as well as
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men
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. There is no doubt that
women
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 with essential training could
also
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 play an important role in the military.
For instance
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, the majority
countries
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of countries
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 with relatively high military
force
Fix the agreement mistake
forces
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 in the world
such
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 as China,
Correct article usage
the Unite
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Unite
Replace the word
United
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state
Fix the agreement mistake
States
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,
Correct article usage
the Unite
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Unite
Correct your spelling
United
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 kingdom,
France
Correct word choice
and France
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,
which
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apply
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all have
women
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soldier
Fix the agreement mistake
soldiers
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 in their militaries.
In addition
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,
women
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 can take part in different positions in the army, not only just fighting on the front line, but
also
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 working in
like
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apply
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medical teams, communication, or research departments. Another argument that objects
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this
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to this
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 opinion is that gender equality is an important value in modern society.
Women
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also
Linking Words
 have the
equal
Correct word choice
same
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right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
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 as
men
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themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and
reject
Wrong verb form
rejecting
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 them from
military
Add an article
the military
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 just because of their gender is discrimination. Apart from that, many
women
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 are becoming more independent and stronger today, which means many of them could perform even better than
men
Use synonyms
 in different areas including
military
Correct article usage
the military
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. In conclusion, I believe that
women
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 should have the right to join the army, navy and Air Force. They are able to complete the tasks and make
contribution
Add an article
a contribution
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 to the military, and the society should give them
equal
Correct article usage
an equal
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 chance to do that.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to organize your ideas logically. Each paragraph should present a clear point.
task achievement
Use clearer language to explain your ideas. Avoid complex phrases that might confuse readers.
task achievement
Try to give more specific examples that support your points about women in the military.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion stated in the introduction and supported it with reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Your points about gender equality are important and relevant.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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