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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the emount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

The chart below shows the emount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below
The bar chart shows the level of free
time
Use synonyms
 spent by two different
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 of various
profession
Replace the word
professional
show examples
status
Fix the agreement mistake
statuses
show examples
. The
group
Use synonyms
 of profession consists of six different categories
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
worker
Use synonyms
,
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
worker
Use synonyms
, unemployed, retired, and housewife.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that male
employment
Replace the word
employees
show examples
 spent the most of free
time
Use synonyms
 than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in three different groups,
whereas
Linking Words
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 rest of the
group
Use synonyms
,
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 surpassed the other gender. In terms of
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
category
Use synonyms
, the highest
time
Use synonyms
 enjoyed by men came from
unemployed
Add an article
the unemployed
an unemployed
show examples
 cluster, with an average of around 84, followed by
retired
Add an article
the retired
a retired
show examples
 club
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 83. The
least
Correct your spelling
last
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 enjoyed was coming from
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
worker
Use synonyms
, at around 43.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there was no free
time
Use synonyms
 spent by
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 and housewives
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
category
Use synonyms
. Compared to
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the unemployed
group
Use synonyms
 had the same leisure
time
Use synonyms
 amount as much as
retired
Correct article usage
the retired
show examples
group
Use synonyms
, with 79 of each value
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
making it the highest amount of all. The second place was
housewife
Correct article usage
the housewife
show examples
category
Use synonyms
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 had
one fifth
Add a hyphen
one-fifth
show examples
 higher than
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
, with just 50 and 40 amount of
time
Use synonyms
 respectively. The
last
Linking Words
category
Use synonyms
 was
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 at 38.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, group, worker, category with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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