IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows employment patterns for males and females in New Zealand in 1993 and 2003. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant. (MINH LE)

The given table depicts the percentage of individuals who joined
work industry
Check wording
the workforce
show examples
 in both genders from 1993 to 2003 in New Zealand Looking at the graph from
the
Correct article usage
a
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 general perspective , it can be noticed that there was
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 downward trend in female labourers , with the exception of
building
Correct article usage
the building
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 and social services fields .
In addition
Linking Words
 ,
male
Correct article usage
the male
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 workforce
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
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 to ignore Agriculture and
Buildinng
Correct your spelling
Building
 throughout a decade In regard to
female
Correct article usage
the female
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 sector , the figure for service and transport dropped remarkably , from 53% to 36% .
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend , the statistics of girls engaging in
Manufacturing
Correct article usage
the Manufacturing
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field
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 roughly double in a decade
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 the proportion of female workers in
agriculture
Correct article usage
the agriculture
show examples
field
Use synonyms
 slightly dropped by 2% .
In contrast
Linking Words
 , there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 no
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 who
participate
Wrong verb form
participated
show examples
 in
contruscting
Correct your spelling
construction
 work before noticeable 6% of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
participating
Wrong verb form
participated
show examples
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
in this
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sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
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,
wheras
Correct your spelling
whereas
 there was a gradual rise of 5% in the
last
Linking Words
field
Use synonyms
 In terms of girls’ counterpart , the percentage of males in building work slightly
insignificantly
Rephrase
apply
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declined 2% after 10 years ,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 data in
agriculture
Correct article usage
the agriculture
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 sector saw
a
Correct article usage
the
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 biggest drop of 30% .
Moreover
Linking Words
 , the proportion of males joining manufacturing was nearly the same , with just 12% .
Additionally
Linking Words
 ,
sevices
Correct your spelling
services
 and transport and business
Use synonyms
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
 saw a
remarkably
Replace the word
remarkable
show examples
 climb of 9% and 18% ,
correspondingly
Rephrase
respectively
show examples
.
Lastly
Linking Words
 , there was a roughly twofold increase in the number of male
workforce
Use the right word
workers
show examples
 who contributed to social services from 1993 to 2003

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words field with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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