IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

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Introduction
In
todays
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today's
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 world, A
lot
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 of
individuals
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 believe that
television
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 and
computer
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games
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 that have
violence
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 in them are damaging
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
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,
Linking Words
While
Fix capitalization
while
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 others believe that it has no damaging effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
.I strongly believe that
violence
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 on
television
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 and in
computer
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games
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 has a damaging effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Television
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 and
video
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games
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 are not always about
violence
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,
while
Linking Words
 some
Television
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 and
video
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Use synonyms
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
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 companies try to attract older people by adding
violence
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 to make them sell more
or
Punctuation problem
, or
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 just to attract more people to their brand name.
For example
Linking Words
, a
lot
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 of
video
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Use synonyms
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
show examples
 companies create
games
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 which is based on
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violence
Punctuation problem
violence,
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 so
basically
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basically,
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 if you
tried
Wrong verb form
try
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 to stop the
violence
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 or try to avoid
it
Punctuation problem
it,
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 you
cant
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can't
 play the
game
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the whole
game
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 is based on
violence
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. In recent
years
Punctuation problem
years,
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 companies started to
age rate
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age-rate
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 each
game
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 and
tv
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TV
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 show
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 makes sure no one younger than the required age to watch or play.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, A
lot
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 of
individuals
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 in the
society
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 believe
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violence
Correct word choice
that violence
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 on
television
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 and in
computer
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games
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 no significant influence on people's
behavior
Use the right word
behaviour
show examples
,
Which
Fix capitalization
which
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 I really agree with. Healthy and mentally normal
individuals
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 shouldn’t be
effected
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affected
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 by some
violence
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 on
tv
Use the right word
TV
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 or in
video
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games
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,
actually
Punctuation problem
actually,
show examples
 some
individuals
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relief
Replace the word
relieve
show examples
 their stress when playing
video
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games
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 with
violence
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 or watching
television
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 shows.
For
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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drifting
Replace the word
driving
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 a car in a
video
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game
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 rather than doing it in real life and causing a
lot
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 of problems.
Conclusion
In conclusion,I strongly believe that
violence
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 on
television
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 and in
computer
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games
Use synonyms
 has no damaging effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
As I stated
before
Punctuation problem
before,
show examples
 it sometimes could prevent real
violence
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 from
happing
Verb problem
happening
show examples
 in the real world.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words like 'firstly', 'on the other hand', and 'in conclusion' to improve flow between ideas.
task achievement
Develop your points more fully and provide more examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes your main opinion clearly without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
You expressed a clear opinion on the topic.
task achievement
You included relevant examples to support your points.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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