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Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
The illustration displays information about various determinants concerning
worker’s
Check wording
workers’
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 performance in terms of their
age
Use synonyms
.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 in all elements except two, there is a larger impact on the younger
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, those aged from 18-30.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, the chance for personal development has the largest percentage in effect in the young
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, at around 90%. Respectively, money may be the biggest motivation for older people. Older people are more concerned about respect from colleagues and
competent
Correct article usage
a competent
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 boss, but only by a minor gap of less than 5%. Job security least affects the older category at 20%
while
Linking Words
 the young are less impacted by the work environment.
This
Linking Words
 factor has the same impact
in
Change preposition
on
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 both groups, at roughly 30%. Interestingly, a relaxed working environment causes about 50% more impact on the 18-30
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 than the factor of working environment.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
their
Use the right word
there
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 is
minor
Correct article usage
a minor
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 change in the 45-60
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart
  • survey
  • personnel department
  • major company
  • age group
  • work performance
  • factors
  • comparison
  • analysis
  • common
  • significant
  • differences
  • important
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