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Writing Samples
Band 4

The graph below gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The data demonstrates the number of
participants
Use synonyms
 at a community
center
Use the right word
centre
show examples
 in Melbourne
Australia
Punctuation problem
, Australia
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, where they are engaging in various activities between 2000 to 2020.
Linking Words
Overall
Punctuation problem
Overall,
show examples
 people are mostly interested in joining film
clubs
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, musical performance
clubs
Use synonyms
 were the least preferred by the
participants
Use synonyms
, but gained popularity throughout the years. In detail, people who joined film
clubs
Use synonyms
 were
nearly
Fix capitalization
Nearly
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 65 participant from 2000 until 2020
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
were able to maintain their spot. Table tennis
clubs
Use synonyms
 had a significant growth from 2010-2020 and reached above 50
participants
Use synonyms
. Notably, musical performance
clubs
Use synonyms
 weren’t as popular as film
clubs
Use synonyms
 in 2005.
However
Linking Words
, they gained almost 20
participants
Use synonyms
 in 2020.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, martial
art
Fix the agreement mistake
arts
show examples
clubs
Use synonyms
 started
at
Change preposition
with
show examples
 under 40 people, but had slight fluctuations, and ended up with the same number in 2020. As for
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 amateur
dramatics
Punctuation problem
dramatics,
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 they had nearly 30
participants
Use synonyms
 in 2000
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
; however
show examples
, it dropped sharply and reached just under 10
participants
Use synonyms
 in 2020.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words participants, clubs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participants
  • activities
  • social centre
  • popular
  • decline
  • increase
  • trend
  • interest
  • introduced
  • participants
  • peak
  • creative
  • physical
  • compared
  • features
  • summarise
  • reporting
  • period
  • changed
  • growing
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