IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

Nowadays, many
people
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 talk about the connection between equality and personal
success
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. Some
people
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 believe that individuals do better in equal societies,
while
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 others think
success
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 only happens when
people
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 are free to try on their own and win or lose based on their own efforts. I believe that both equality and personal
effort
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 are important for achieving
success
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. Some
people
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 say that when everyone has the same chances, they can achieve more in life. In an equal society,
people
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 have access to education, jobs, and better living conditions. Everyone is treated fairly and given support when needed.
For example
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, a student can become a doctor if they receive enough support to study.
This
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 shows that fairness helps
people
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 use their talents and reach their goals. Without equal chances, many
people
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 may not be able to improve their lives.
On the other hand
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, others believe that
success
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 mainly depends on hard work. Even when
people
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 have equal chances, not all of them try their best. Some give up easily,
while
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 others work every day and never stop. A person who keeps learning and
practicing
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practising
show examples
 can succeed, even if they face many problems in life.
Effort
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 and determination are very important for reaching
success
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. In a nutshell, I think
people
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 need both equal opportunities and strong personal
effort
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. Equality gives
people
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 a fair start, but
effort
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 helps them reach their goals. When both are combined, more
people
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 can succeed and make the whole society better and stronger. WRITING 2

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task achievement
Work on expanding your explanations and examples to provide more depth. This will enhance the clarity of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly links to your main argument. This will help improve coherence throughout your essay.
positive
Your introduction is clear and presents your view well.
positive
You have successfully outlined two sides of the argument, balancing them with your personal opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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