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Writing Samples
Band 8.5

the chart below shows the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008

the chart below shows the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008
The given charts compare the distribution of employment, who
work
Use synonyms
 in various occupations in two locations – Ashby and the UK, in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, personal service was the most popular among people in town,
while
Linking Words
 in the UK, office
work
Use synonyms
 demonstrated the highest trend. Starting with Ashby town, personal service was the dominant occupation, accounting for 21% of employees,
whereas
Linking Words
 the lowest was professional
work
Use synonyms
 with 8%. Followed by details, office
work
Use synonyms
 was the second highest, at 18% of total occupations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, unemployed and shop
work
Use synonyms
 jobs showed a similar rate, 14% and construction
work
Use synonyms
 was the third dominant trend with 16%,
while
Linking Words
 the
last
Linking Words
 one, technical
work
Use synonyms
, showed 9%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, office
work
Use synonyms
 demonstrated the highest percentage of
work
Use synonyms
, about 19% in the UK.
While
Linking Words
, personal service and technical
work
Use synonyms
 industries highlighted 17%. Turning to professional
work
Use synonyms
, it held 14%,
while
Linking Words
 13% was for shop
work
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, the least common trends were unemployed and construction
work
Use synonyms
, both at 10%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
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