IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The chart below gives information on the percentage of British people giving money to charity by age range for the years 1990 and 2010

The chart below gives information on the percentage of British people giving money to charity by age range for the years 1990 and 2010
The chart illustrates the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
British
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 donating to charity by age group for 1990 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 can be clearly seen from the Chart that
British
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 between 18 to 25
years
Use synonyms
 old made the least donation in both 1990 and 2010. What is more,
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group of
people
Use synonyms
consisting
Verb problem
aged
show examples
 36 - 50 gave the most money to charity in 1990, but
Use synonyms
british
Fix capitalization
British
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 from 51
years
Use synonyms
 old to 65
years
Use synonyms
 old recorded the largest
proportion
Use synonyms
 in donating. Looking closely at the table chart for 1990,
British
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 from 36 to 50
years
Use synonyms
 old occupied the largest percentage of giving money to charity at more than 40%, followed by
British
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
who are
Verb problem
aged
show examples
 51 to 65 at 35%, and those who are older than 65
years
Use synonyms
 old by approximately 30%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
british
Fix capitalization
British
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 between 18 and 25
years
Use synonyms
 old amounted to less than a fifth, which occupied the least
proportion
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by
Use synonyms
British
Correct article usage
the British
show examples
 between 26 to 35
years
Use synonyms
 old at more than 30%
Finally
Linking Words
, regarding 2010,
Use synonyms
British
Correct article usage
the British
show examples
 older than 50 and younger than 66 accounted for the largest
proportion
Use synonyms
 in participating in donation by almost 40%, which is followed by
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 range of 36-50 and 65 or more at both 35%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
British
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 from 18 to 25 constituted the smallest share
as well as
Linking Words
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 year 1990 by approximately 7%, which is less than half of the figure in 1990.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by
Use synonyms
British
Correct article usage
the British
show examples
 between 26-35 at nearly 25%.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, british, people, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • charity
  • give money to charity
  • donate
  • percent
  • age
  • group
  • year
  • 1990
  • 2010
  • highest
  • lowest
  • more
  • less
  • rise
  • increase
  • fall
  • decrease
  • go up
  • go down
  • stay the same
  • change
  • pattern
  • trend
  • compare
  • difference
  • overall
What to do next:
Look at other essays: