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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The given table provides
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the Australian workforce in six various industries
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
, manufacturing, retail, health care, construction, education and tourism
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 1989 and 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that over the 20 years, some industries
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
slightly
Correct article usage
a slightly
show examples
 rising trend and a very few stay about the same. In the beginning, employment in manufacturing was 15 %, but by the end of
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 it significantly dropped to 9.8 %.
Similarly
Linking Words
, at that time, the ratio of workers in
retail
Correct article usage
the retail
show examples
 industry was 11.8 % and in 2009 it reduced to 10.1 % respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 section
achieves
Wrong verb form
achieved
show examples
 the highest increment of workers in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 year
as compare
Change preposition
compared
show examples
 to others
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was 11.3 % from 9.6 %.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of the three industries
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 lower workforce in
beginning
Correct article usage
the beginning
show examples
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
7.6 % for construction
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
enhanced up
Verb problem
increased
show examples
 to 8.3 %, 6.8 % for education to 7
.
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 5 % and tourism
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, in start public
showed
Correct word order
interest showed
show examples
 lower interest but by the end of the
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
 it substantially reached around 7.3 %.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • share
  • percent
  • workforce
  • industry
  • sector
  • year
  • rise
  • increase
  • grow
  • up
  • fall
  • decrease
  • drop
  • change
  • stay
  • the
  • from
  • to
  • 1989
  • 2009
  • big
  • small
  • large
  • more than
  • less than
  • in contrast
  • while
  • overall
  • pattern
  • highest
  • lowest
  • compare
  • difference
  • note
  • see
  • shows
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