IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Young people often copy the behaviour of adults, so all employees of VinGroup should only be allowed to eat healthy food or drink and should not encourage unhealthy habits such as smoking. Do you agree or disagree?

Youngsters
Use synonyms
 always tend to copy the actions of adults, so all workers of
Vin
Correct article usage
the Vin
show examples
 group should only be allowed to consume healthy food or drink and should not encourage unhealthy habits
such
Linking Words
 as smoking.
This
Linking Words
 essay completely agrees with the statement. I believe that young people often copy people older than them
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 older people should lead
youngsters
Use synonyms
 by example. Turning to details, I would like to start with the
parents
Use synonyms
 themselves as
children
Use synonyms
 eager to adopt habits since they think that the adults are definitely doing the right things and
always
Verb problem
are always
show examples
 prone to
idealize
Verb problem
idealising
show examples
 them.
For example
Linking Words
, if
parents
Use synonyms
 live an unhealthy lifestyle where they drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and always eat junk food,
children
Use synonyms
 definitely will adopt the same lifestyle that they have seen. So giving a good base to
children
Use synonyms
 is a key factor.
Firstly
Linking Words
, adults should not smoke, at least in front of
youngsters
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
selling
Check wording
the sale
show examples
 of alcohol should be prohibited after 11.00
p.m
Correct your spelling
p.m.
 and drinking it in public as well.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should check the way their
children
Use synonyms
 eat and check if all the necessary nutrients are
taken
Verb problem
being taken
show examples
. In conclusion,
parents
Use synonyms
 should start from themselves by adopting strong habits, and by looking at them
youngsters
Use synonyms
 will adopt the same pattern.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Stay on the given task. Make your view clear about Vin Group employees and stick to that idea in the whole essay.
coherence
Plan one or two main ideas and give clear support. Do not add points that do not fit the task.
grammar
Use clean grammar. Fix mistakes like 'selling of alcohol' and long run sentences.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show order (First, Next, Finally) and connect ideas well.
content
Give a real example tied to the task, not only general talk about parents.
task response
The writer has a clear view from the start.
coherence
There is an effort to give reasons and some linking of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: