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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two line graphs below show New Zealand import figures fromAustralia and Japan in the years 1994 -2004

The two line graphs below show New Zealand import figures fromAustralia and Japan in the years 1994 -2004
The two line charts illustrate New Zealand entrance
figures
Use synonyms
 from
Australia
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 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 from the
years
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 1994 to 2004.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the
figures
Use synonyms
 for
Australia
Use synonyms
 had significant increases between 1994 and 2004.
However
Linking Words
, the import
figures
Use synonyms
 for
Japan
Use synonyms
 displayed slight decreases
in
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the
10
Correct your spelling
10-year
years
Use synonyms
 period.
Similarly
Linking Words
, both
Australia
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 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 had some fluctuations over the 10
years
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. Starting with New Zealand Imports from
Australia
Use synonyms
, at
first,
Linking Words
the import
figures
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 declined slightly from 4000 to 3900
million
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 within half a year.
Then
Linking Words
 it
suddently
Correct your spelling
suddenly
shooted
Use the right word
shot
show examples
 up to
approximate
Replace the word
approximately
show examples
 6400
million
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untill
Correct your spelling
until
 1996. From 1996 to 1999, the
overall
Linking Words
figures
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 dramatically slumped, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 remained steady from 1997 to 1998. From 1999 to 2004, the
figures
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 rose and fell over the period, but the trend was upwards; it
arrived
Verb problem
reached
show examples
 the lowest number at 3000
million
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 in 1999 and received the highest
figures
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 with 8000
million
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 in 2004. Turning now to New Zealand Imports from
Japan
Use synonyms
, compared to
Australia
Use synonyms
, the
figures
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 had a
rapical
Correct your spelling
rapid
soared
Replace the word
soar
show examples
 from 3000
million
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 to about 6200
million
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 in 3
years
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.
By contrast
Linking Words
, its
fluctuations’ number
Check wording
fluctuations
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 less than
Australia
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. From 1997 to 2004, the number rose and fell over the period, but the trend was downwards. The
figures
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 reached a new high at 6200
million
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 in 1997 and
received
Verb problem
reached
show examples
 an all-time low, 2000
million
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 in 2004.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words figures, australia, japan, years, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 9 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "fluctuations" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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