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Writing Samples
Band 7

The chart below shows the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000

The chart below shows the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000
The chart shows an employment rate (measured in per cent) for elders in terms of sex in four regions (Belgium, Australia, Japan, USA) .
Overall
Linking Words
, percentages for male and female individuals witnessed different trends.
While
Linking Words
 the number of female
workers
Use synonyms
 has
changed
Punctuation problem
changed,
show examples
 male
workers
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 declined rapidly. As the chart shows , in Belgium, 79 males worked in 1970 , and
this
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 experienced a fast decrease to 19 in 3 decades.
While
Linking Words
 there were 8 elderly women
workers
Use synonyms
 in 1970 . It stuck at 8 until 2000. In terms of the USA, 73 and 56 men had a job in 1970 and 2000 , respectively. In the USA , 36 women were employed.
This
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 grows slowly to 39 over a 30-year time period. Regarding Japan, the country had 85 male individuals as
workers
Use synonyms
 in 1970. It fell to 74 in 2000. In terms of women who were employed in Japan, there were 43 in 1970 .
This
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 experienced a gradual decline to 40 in 2000. As the graph shows, 76 males had a job in Australia in 1970 . Following a fast decrease to 47 in 2000. Australia had 16 female
workers
Use synonyms
 in 1970 .
This
Linking Words
figure
Use synonyms
 rose slowly to 18 in 2000.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words workers, figure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slowly" was used 2 times.
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