IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Most people are worried about young children playing video games, what problems might these games cause as a whole to society and individuals? What solutions can you suggest to reduce these problems.

NOWADAYS, PLENTY OF CHILDREN SPEND A LONG
TIME
Use synonyms
 PLAYING THE PC, WHICH GENERATE VARIOUS PROBLEMS FOR BOTH THE COMMUNITY AND INDIVIDUALS. IN
THIS
Linking Words
 ESSAY, I TEND TO DISCUSS THESE PROBLEMS.
ADDITIONALLY
Linking Words
, TO THE SOLUTIONS TO DIMINISH THEM. ON ONE HAND, ALLOCATING MUCH
TIME
Use synonyms
 TO PLAY
VIDEO
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GAMES
Use synonyms
 HAS A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON THEIR PHYSICAL HEALTH
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 IT CAN HARM THEIR EYES WITH THEIR BACK BECAUSE SITTING
A
Change preposition
for A
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LONG
TIME
Use synonyms
 AT THE SAME POSITION CAN BE HARMFUL TO THEIR BACK.
AS A RESULT
Linking Words
, THEY WILL SUFFER FROM BACKACHES.
FOR EXAMPLE
Linking Words
, IS AN AMERICAN STUDY SAYS THAT
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 89% OF THE CHILDREN, WHO SPEND MUCH
TIME
Use synonyms
 ON PC ARE SUFFERING FROM BACK PAIN. TO ADDRESS
THIS
Linking Words
 TREND, AND DIMINISH ITS IMPACT ON YOUNGER PEOPLE, THE PARENTS SHOULD TAKE THE FIRST STEP TOWARD CHANGING, BY SETTING A STRICT RULES FOR THEIR KIDS,
SUCH
Linking Words
 AS ALLOCATING AT LEAST FROM 2-3 HOURS A DAY FOR PLAYING, AND THE REMAINING
TIME
Use synonyms
 IS FOR SOMETHING USEFUL FOR THEM, LIKE READING BECAUSE IT CAN CULTIVATE THEIR MIND AND AVIOD THE ISSUES THAT MIGHT OUTCOME FROM THE PC OR
VIDEO
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GAMES
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.
FOR INSTANCE
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, MY MOTHER
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 IS ALLOT 2 HOURS FOR SCREENS AND THE REST
TIME
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 FOR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY LIKE COOKING.
THEREFORE
Linking Words
, MY SISTERS WILL FORGET ABOUT
VIDEO
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GAMES
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 WITH REGARD TO
THE SOCIETY
Correct determiner usage
society
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, THE CHILDREN WILL PREFER TO STAY ALONE TO PLAY MORE THAN INTERACT WITH OTHERS, AND
THIS
Linking Words
 WILL RESULT IN AN EMOTIONAL AND INTROVERTED CHILD BECAUSE SPENDING MUCH
TIME
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 ON SCREENS WILL CREATE
NEW
Correct article usage
a NEW
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 PERSONALITY
AND
Punctuation problem
, AND
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 THEY MIGHT BE MORE AGGRESSIVE TOWARD
THE SOCIETY
Correct determiner usage
society
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.
MOREOVER
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, THE BEST WAY TO SOLVE
THIS
Linking Words
 TREND IS BY INTERACTING AND COMMUNICATING WITH THEIR PEERS.
FOR INSTANCE
Linking Words
, HOLD AN
EVENTS
Fix the agreement mistake
EVENT
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 TWICE A MONTH TO COMMUNICATE AND MEET WITH FRIENDS.
TO SUM UP
Linking Words
,
IT IS CLEAR THAT
Linking Words
 PLAYING
VIDEO
Use synonyms
GAMES
Use synonyms
ARE
Verb problem
IS ARE
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CONCERNED
Replace the word
CONCERN
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MANY
Change preposition
FOR MANY
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 PEOPLE
AS A RESULT
Linking Words
 OF ITS PROBLEMS FOR BOTH INDIVIDUALS AND THE SOCIETY, AND TO SOLVE THESE
ISSUES
Punctuation problem
ISSUES,
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 THE PARENTS HAVE THE KEY IN THEIR HANDS.

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task response
Task response: The essay tries to cover problems and a plan to fix them. It mentions two main ideas (health and society) and gives some steps. But the view is not clear and the solution part is not very strong. Add a clear view in the first paragraph and finish with a short, clear ending.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay has a rough order (health, society, then a short end). Links between ideas are not strong. Use simple linking words like first, next, also, but, so. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Keep sentences shorter to help the flow.
content
There is an effort to cover both health and social effects.
structure
There is a full closing line with a short summary.
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