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Writing Samples
Band 7

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
These pie charts depict key information about the employment distribution with respect to the classification of work for citizens in two different towns in two years. The units are measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear from the graph that manufacturing and
sales
Use synonyms
 jobs employed the largest
proportions
Fix the agreement mistake
proportion
show examples
 of people.
In addition
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 moving from 1960 to 2010, working in manufacturing jobs decreased,
whereas
Linking Words
 it increased for the
sales
Use synonyms
 sector.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, towns A and
B
Use synonyms
 showed similar proportions in the services sector in 1960, at 30% and 20% respectively. For
sales
Use synonyms
, it was the second most common job for
town
Use synonyms
 A at 29 per cent;
however
Linking Words
, it was ranked the lowest
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 at 10 per cent in 1960.
In contrast
Linking Words
, manufacturing
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 was ranked lowest in both places , with 41% of employees in
town
Use synonyms
 A and 70% in
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
. In terms of 2010, both places showed different trends.
While
Linking Words
 the
sales
Use synonyms
 region was the most common in
town
Use synonyms
 A, at 64%, in the other
town
Use synonyms
, it was the manufacturing sector, at 53%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in
town
Use synonyms
 A, manufacturing and services jobs accounted for approximately 36 percentage, but in
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
, nearly 47% citizens worked in services and
sales
Use synonyms
 sectors.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, b, town with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
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