IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people choose jobs with high salaries, even if they do not enjoy the work. Others believe that job satisfaction is more important than a high income. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, in our developed world, many individuals
work
Use synonyms
 hard to secure high-paying jobs.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 enjoyment and personal
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 in their careers. I partly agree with the latter view, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will explain the reasons behind my position. One major reason why many
people
Use synonyms
 strive for high-paying jobs is the financial stability they offer. A high income allows individuals to cover essential expenses, save for the future, and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle.
This
Linking Words
 can reduce stress and improve
Linking Words
overall-wellbeing
Use the right word
overall well-being
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, someone working in
demanding
Correct article usage
a demanding
show examples
 role may not enjoy the tasks, but the salary enables them to support their family, travel, or invest in property. Which is what most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
trying
Verb problem
are trying
show examples
 to achieve.
However
Linking Words
, the financial reward is important, but they do not guarantee
long-
Correct word choice
long-term
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 happiness.
Subsequently
Linking Words
being
Punctuation problem
, being
show examples
overload
Replace the word
overloaded
show examples
 by
work
Use synonyms
 can lead to
unsatisfaction
Use the right word
dissatisfaction
show examples
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
life
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of
self-pleasure
Punctuation problem
self-pleasure,
show examples
 may cause depression and pressure.
In addition
Linking Words
, mankind's purpose of
hard-working
Replace the word
hard work
show examples
 is to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 our wishes and achieve our goals. As an example, there are
people
Use synonyms
 who get passionate
to earn
Change preposition
about earning
show examples
 more and more and
at the end
Linking Words
 of the day, they forget the reason
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 attempts
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is having a relaxing
life
Use synonyms
 with the welfare they
needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
.
Linking Words
therefore
Fix capitalization
Therefore
show examples
, they drown in
Use synonyms
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 cycle and pay little attention to their personal
life
Use synonyms
 and health
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will cause physical and mental problems in their
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 process.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it is dreamy to have a job with high payments and everyone's wishes, that's why it needs many efforts
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
dedications
Fix the agreement mistake
dedication
show examples
, which is not easy to approach.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 there is
other
Fix the agreement mistake
another
show examples
 option which we can
work
Use synonyms
 and try our best alongside enjoying our
life
Use synonyms
 and exist and taste every moment of
this
Linking Words
life
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 our soul and heart.Some
people
Use synonyms
 choose jobs with high salaries, even if they do not enjoy the
work
Use synonyms
. Others believe that job satisfaction is more important than a high income. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

overall
Your essay has a clear topic, but your ideas are not well fit to the task. Improve how you show both sides and give a clear final view.
structure
Make a simple plan before you write. Put your opinion in the last paragraph clearly.
grammar
Work on grammar and sentence form to be more correct. Check use of 'although', 'but', and 'therefore'.
lexical
Use examples that are easy to see and relate to real life. Keep example short and clear.
coherence
Link your ideas with clear linking words. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence.
content
The topic is addressed and both views are touched on.
example
There are some real life examples used.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: