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Writing Samples
Band 7

The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.

The supplied line chart compares the proportion of female employees in 4 nations, namely the US, France, Afghanistan and Korea, in 2 decades starting from 1985.
The given line chart shows the comparison of the
women
Use synonyms
 employers in four different countries from 1985 to 2005.
Linking Words
Overall
Punctuation problem
Overall,
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 it is evident that all three countries , namely the USA, Korea, and
France
Punctuation problem
France,
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 experienced a rise in terms of hiring
women
Use synonyms
 in the workforce, but Afghanistan began to hire almost no
women
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the decade and fell into the
last
Linking Words
 position in that area.
It is clear that
Linking Words
by
Change preposition
over
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 the past 20 years, the growth of
women
Use synonyms
 in work increased , except for Afghanistan, who started with a percentage of 20 in 1985 , and
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
 2005, that number
came
Wrong verb form
had fallen to
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 close to zero.
Whereas
Linking Words
 for the other three countries USA had more female workers than any other country, which was around 45% and
also
Linking Words
 held that position in
2005
Punctuation problem
2005,
show examples
 with the highest amount of 60%. Again , for France, the quantity was 40% at the beginning and rose an additional 10% after 20 years,
although
Linking Words
 in 1990 there was a fall of almost 9% from the starting amount.
Linking Words
Finally
Punctuation problem
Finally,
show examples
 in Korea, the number of lady workers doubled
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year 2005 from 20% to 40%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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