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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.

The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of
staff
Use synonyms
 members of both men and women who work in
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 universities around the nation.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 there was the highest number of male
staff
Use synonyms
 working in the engineering section and the lowest
staff
Use synonyms
 included in the
education
Use synonyms
department
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
. Moreover
show examples
moreover
Linking Words
, in
education
Use synonyms
department
Use synonyms
 has the highest female
staff
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the engineering
department
Use synonyms
 has the lowest.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in
education
Use synonyms
department
Use synonyms
 has the highest female
staff
Use synonyms
 , which was nearly 80%
moreover
Linking Words
, in engineering
department
Use synonyms
 has the lowest women , and it was lower than 20%. In the art
department
Use synonyms
 there was 55 % of female
staff
Use synonyms
 were female in 2012 , and when it comes to business , the number of female
staff
Use synonyms
 slightly declined to approximately 35%. In the law
department
Use synonyms
, there were 40 % female
staff
Use synonyms
 worked ,
while
Linking Words
medicine
Change preposition
in medicine
show examples
, it has risen to around 45 %. In science
female
Punctuation problem
, female
show examples
staff
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 less than 40%.
Secondly
Linking Words
, in 2012 highest male
staff
Use synonyms
 worked in the Engineering
department
Use synonyms
 , which was over 80%
while
Linking Words
Education
Use synonyms
 had the lowest , which was slightly over 20 %
next,
Linking Words
Arts and Business had over 40 % and over 60%. In law
department
Use synonyms
 had 60% of male employees ,
while
Linking Words
 science had slightly over 60% and the
last
Linking Words
department
Use synonyms
 was medicine , and the amount of female
staff
Use synonyms
 was around 50%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words staff, education, department with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 3 times.
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