IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows percentages of three groups of Australian children taking part in four kinds of activities in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given bar graph depicts the percentages of three different age groups of
children
Use synonyms
 participating in
leisure time
Use the right word
leisure-time
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
 in Australia in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 plethora of
children
Use synonyms
 were more likely to watch
television
Punctuation problem
television,
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 less likely to engage in
art
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, the
children
Use synonyms
 aged 12-16
years
Use synonyms
 were more prone to participate in
activities
Use synonyms
, except for
art
Use synonyms
.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the
children
Use synonyms
 aged between 12 and 16
years
Use synonyms
 constituted the
higher
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
figure
Check wording
proportion
show examples
 of television
, accounting
Check wording
viewers, accounting
show examples
 for nearly 100%.
However
Linking Words
, only
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of that age group engaged in
art
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the majority of
art
Use synonyms
 students were
children
Use synonyms
 between 5-8
years
Use synonyms
, accounting for nearly 60%. In terms of reading, the
children
Use synonyms
 aged 9-11 and 12-16
years
Use synonyms
 experienced
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 figures, each reported as nearly 70%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, riding the bicycle was mostly preferred by
children
Use synonyms
 aged 12-16
years
Use synonyms
, which recorded as 80%, followed by kids aged 5-8
years
Use synonyms
 old.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words children, activities, art, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentages" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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