IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests comma and whether they are married or single. some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People applying to jobs are
oven
Use the right word
often
show examples
 asked about personal details,
such
Linking Words
 as their
hobbies
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 and
interests
Use synonyms
 and their marital status. Some people argue that
this
Linking Words
 is too much
information
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 and irrelevant, and some
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
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 it can be useful and helpful. I agree it's needed. The reasons will be discussed below On one hand, some people
says
Correct subject-verb agreement
say
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 that asking for personal
information
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,
hobbies
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,
interests
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, and
martial
Use the right word
marital
show examples
 status is irrelevant and not helpful, because these details are not important for doing the
job
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 right. If someone can
workhard
Correct your spelling
work hard
 and be committed no matter what a person is
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, that's
would be
Verb problem
apply
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more than enough to get a
job
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 done.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some individuals believe that asking for
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
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information
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 is indeed useful and relevant. Because if
the
Correct article usage
apply
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they know who you are as
person
Correct article usage
a person
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, what
is your age
Correct word order
your age is
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, your
hobbies
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, your
interests
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 or your
martial
Use the right word
marital
show examples
status
Punctuation problem
status,
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 they would
assigned
Wrong verb form
assign
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 you for a
job
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that is
Linking Words
 suitable for you. Like if you're young and have no experience yet, they for sure will not give you a
job
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that is
Linking Words
 hard.
Linking Words
Also
Punctuation problem
Also,
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 if you're a mother who is married and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 children, they would be
consider
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 and let you clock out early to spend time with your family. If you love doing crochet and it is your favourite hobby, and you applied to be
designer
Correct article usage
a designer
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, by giving
this
Linking Words
information
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 to them, it might help you to be a crochet designer and design or crochet clothes. In conclusion, I strongly agree that asking for
such
Linking Words
information
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 is useful and
relevanr
Correct your spelling
relevant
 because it
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to be assigned
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a
job
Use synonyms
 that you would love and can incorporate your
hobbies
Use synonyms
 or
interests
Use synonyms
 there.

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grammar
Fix many grammar mistakes and make phrases clear. Example: 'On one hand, some people says...' should be 'On one hand, some people say...'
structure
Plan before you write. Use four parts: introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part should have one main idea.
content
Explain why each point matters to the job. Give more clear and real examples that show how a person helps in work.
coherence
Use linking words to show contrast and to connect ideas, like 'however', 'on the other hand', and 'for example'.
structure
The essay shows a plan with an introduction, two ideas, and a conclusion.
content
Some real examples are used to support a view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • team dynamics
  • organizational culture
  • work-life balance
  • collaborative environments
  • bias
  • discrimination
  • conscious or unconscious bias
  • privacy concerns
  • personal boundaries
  • professional abilities
  • skills, qualifications, and experience
  • legal and ethical considerations
  • divert attention
  • significant professional attributes
  • relevant to the job
What to do next:
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