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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie charts below show the percentage of five kinds of books sold by a bookseller between 1972 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given pie diagrams
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
show examples
 the fraction of five kinds of
books
Use synonyms
 sold by a bookseller in 1972, 1992 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the popularity of both
adult
Use synonyms
fiction
Use synonyms
 and children's
fiction
Use synonyms
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 increased over the years.
While
Linking Words
, selling of
books
Use synonyms
 belonging to
biography
Use synonyms
, other
books
Use synonyms
decresed
Correct your spelling
decreased
 gradually towards 2012.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
travel
Use synonyms
books
Use synonyms
 showed an increase in 1992 and
then
Linking Words
 started falling in 2012. The popularity of
adult
Use synonyms
fiction
Use synonyms
 has increased in
such
Linking Words
 a way that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the percentage of
selling
Check wording
sales
show examples
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
been
Verb problem
apply
show examples
doubled. Turning to 1972, other
books
Use synonyms
 occupied the highest fraction with 25%
while
Linking Words
childrens
Check wording
children's
show examples
books
Use synonyms
,
biography
Use synonyms
 and
adult
Use synonyms
fiction
Use synonyms
 followed closely with 20% of
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 for each of them.
Travel
Use synonyms
books
Use synonyms
 were the
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 that
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 chosen by the
least
Correct word choice
fewest
show examples
 readers. With regard to 1992, the popularity of
adult
Use synonyms
fiction
Use synonyms
 and children's
fiction
Use synonyms
 showed an increase in
selling
Check wording
sales
show examples
, meanwhile the percentage of other
books
Use synonyms
,
biography
Use synonyms
 and
travel
Use synonyms
books
Use synonyms
 decreased somewhere from 5% to 7%.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 in 2012,
adult
Use synonyms
fiction
Use synonyms
 ranked first with 45% of
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is more than twice
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that in 1972. Children's
fiction
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 showed an increase.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 people choose
book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
show examples
 from
biography
Use synonyms
,
travel
Use synonyms
 and
fiction
Use synonyms
resulting
Punctuation problem
, resulting
show examples
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
drop in their
selling
Check wording
sales
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore, while".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words books, adult, fiction, biography, travel with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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