IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many people today are worried about young children using video games. what problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole.? How could these problems be reduced.?

In recent years,
popularity
Correct article usage
the popularity
show examples
 of
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 among
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 significantly
increasing
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, more people are worried about
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 consequences
occurring
Verb problem
resulting
show examples
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 it.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
evident
Correct article usage
the evident
show examples
 effects of overusing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and what effective measures should be taken to eradicate
this
Linking Words
 issue. The main adverse effect of
this
Linking Words
 trend is that it restricts physical and mental development. Children are spending their whole leisure time in their rooms playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 rather than participating in
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 of sports.
As a result
Linking Words
, they are more prone to develop obesity and depression
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Use the right word
an
show examples
 early age.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they isolate themselves from getting
socialize
Verb problem
socialised
show examples
 and
less contribute
Correct word order
contribute less
show examples
 towards
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
society
Correct article usage
the society
show examples
 they live. As time passes, social values and norms eventually disappear. Parents play an important role
to address
Change preposition
in addressing
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue. They can encourage their children to
take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
participation
Replace the word
participate
show examples
 in different physical and mindful activities to build
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
show examples
 personality. As an example,
They
Fix capitalization
they
show examples
 should make a schedule for their kids for playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and find
others way
Fix the agreement mistake
other ways
show examples
 to teach them about social traditions and values. So, they will become a responsible individual in society. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 has several drawbacks
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as limited physical and cognitive health,
forgetting
Correct word choice
and forgetting
show examples
 social roots.
However
Linking Words
, it can be solved by making
strict
Correct article usage
a strict
show examples
 routine of playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
along with
Linking Words
 the encouragement to pursue any activities which can help
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 their
overall
Linking Words
 health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan your answer first. Give a clear view and then two main ideas in order.
content
Make each idea a full sentence with a reason or fact.
coherence
Use simple linking words to connect ideas and parts.
language
Check grammar and spell common words so the writing is easy to read.
structure
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
content
There are ideas on health and on society.
content
There is a plan to fix the issue.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • interpersonal skills
  • violent content
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
  • family dynamics
  • educational campaigns
  • parental controls
  • alternative activities
  • content ratings
  • cognition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: