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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the coment-making process, and how coment is used to produce concrete for building purposes.

The process provides key information about how to make concrete for building stuff in multiple steps.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is apparent from the graph that,
itis
Use the right word
is
show examples
 a linear process.
In addition
Linking Words
, to create
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cement
Use synonyms
you
Punctuation problem
, you
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 need to go through several stages and you have to do a lot of work,
whereas
Linking Words
 when you attempt to produce concrete ,
this
Linking Words
 method is easier than the first one.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown,
Use synonyms
cement
Change preposition
in cement
show examples
 production at the beginning , they add some limestone and clay, and start to crush them to make a powder. Following that, they put it in a mixer that leads to a rotating heater
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 starts to heat the powder
while
Linking Words
 it is rolling at the same time. After that , the final product , which is
Use synonyms
cement
Punctuation problem
cement,
show examples
 is added to bags. In terms of the concrete, they start adding multiple things like 15 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of
cement
Use synonyms
, 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
 water , and sand with 25 per
cent
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 thing is 50 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of gravel to a massive mixer. At the end,
that is
Linking Words
 the way to create concrete .

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cement, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • raw materials
  • grinding
  • heating process
  • kilns
  • clinker
  • gypsum
  • machinery
  • crushers
  • grinders
  • rotary kilns
  • ball mills
  • sand
  • gravel
  • versatility
  • civil engineering
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