IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today, children engage in excessive TV-watching and video gaming. Do you agree or disagree that these activities negatively affect a child's mental health?

Nowadays
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Nowadays,
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 technology is everywhere
and
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, and
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 almost every aspect of our lives has become digitalised. Young
children
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 are now being impacted by
this
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 surge of digitalisation in our daily lives in both positive and negative ways
,
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;
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however
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, I believe that there are more downs
rather
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apply
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than ups. On the one
hand
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hand,
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 there are clear arguments that TV-watching and
video
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 gaming have their benefits for
children
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.
This
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 is because
video
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 games have been proven to improve certain areas of the brain
responsable
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for reaction time and creativity
,
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. Furthermore
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furthermore
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, TV-watching exposes a child to various information
but
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, but
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that is
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 fairly subjective. A good example of that would be the
video
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 game “Minecraft
”
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”,
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where you have the freedom to build or create anything
they
Correct pronoun usage
you
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 can imagine.
However
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, I tend to believe that
children
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 ought to be exposed to
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this kind
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these kinds
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 of activities later in their lives.
On the other hand
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, despite the benefits of gaming and TV-watching,
children
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 tend to abuse activities or objects that release dopamine in their brains,
thus
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 their mental health is affected.
According to
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statistics
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statistics,
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children
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 who start playing
video
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 games at a young age have shown more symptoms of emotional instability than
children
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 who
did
Wrong verb form
do
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 not.
This
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 data proves that
children
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 are negatively affected by the use of technology in their childhood. In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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 I strongly agree that excessive TV-watching and
video
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 gaming
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a powerful negative impact on
children
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’s mental health
,
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;
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therefore
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, I believe that parents should have a better approach when it comes to managing their
children
Use synonyms
’s screen time.

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structure
Plan your essay in four parts: intro, two body parts, and a conclusion. Make your view clear in the intro and restate it in the end.
coherence
Link ideas with easy words and phrases. Use words like first, next, also, but, so, therefore to connect your ideas.
content
Add more real examples and tell how they show your point. Do not only name a game or idea; say how it helps or harms.
grammar
Check spell and grammar. Fix 'responsable' to 'responsible', use correct 'data' with correct verb, and fix other small errors.
task response
You have a clear view on the topic.
coherence
You try to discuss both sides of the issue.
lexical
You give a specific example (Minecraft).
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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