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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people today are worried about young children using video game. What problems might these games cause for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

We are living in a highly advanced society where technology has infiltrated every aspect of our lives.
Due to
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 the constant exposure
of
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to
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screens
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screens,
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 an increasing
amount
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number
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 of
children
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 have become addicted to
video
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games
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.
This
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 is a growing problem that must be tackled very carefully by
parents
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 and governing bodies.
This
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 essay will highlight how addiction to
video
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games
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 negatively impacts
children
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 and society and what steps must be taken to reduce the problems caused by them.
Children
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 need proper attention to their diet, sufficient physical activity and
socialization
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socialisation
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 with other kids to develop physically and mentally.
For instance
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, when
children
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 spend more time indoors glued to
video
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games
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 that depict violent scenes,
instead
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 of engaging in sports with their
friends
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friends,
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 it negatively impacts their mental and physical health. When these
children
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 grow into
adults
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adults,
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 they are found to engage in violent acts
such
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 as gun violence, crimes and assault
due to
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 exposure
of
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to
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such
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 scenes in their formative years .
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
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video
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 game addiction presents itself as a threat to
children
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as well as
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 other people. To counter
this
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parents
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, parents
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 and governments must take strict actions.
Parents
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 must
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firstly
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first
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 monitor closely what their child does online. They must prevent
children
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 from falling into the trap of
addicting
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addictive
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video
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games
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 and have strict limitations on screen use. Governments must realise that harmful, violent and sexually explicit
video
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games
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 must not become accessible to
children
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 below 18 and that companies do not promote
such
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 content in
games
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 meant for kids. To
summarize
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summarise
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,
video
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 game addiction poses a real threat to young people and society. I suggest combined measures from
parents
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 and governments to successfully prevent
children
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 from developing
video
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 game addictions. Since a growing number of
children
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 have an online presence
nowadays
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nowadays,
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 it is best to swiftly take action to shield
children
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 from falling
it
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apply
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to
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into
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 the trap of addicting and violent
games
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.

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task response
Show a clear view of the topic. answer both sides: what is the harm and what helps. give more exact steps for people to do and more facts or examples.
coherence
Organize ideas well. use one idea per paragraph and a short plan at the start. use linking words like first, also, but, for example, in addition.
strength
Clear stance and structure with introduction, body and conclusion.
strength
Some good ideas on how to limit screen time and keep kids safe.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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