SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT PARENTS SHOULD ENCOURAGE THEIR CHILDREN TO TAKE PART IN ORANIZED GROUP ACTIVITIES IN THEIR FREE TIME. OTHER SAY IT IS IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN RO LEARN HOW TO OCCUPY THEMSELVES ON THEIR OWN. DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEW AND GIVE YOUR OPINION

The ways of spending free
time
Use synonyms
by the youth
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
becoming a reason for debate among the parents.
While
Linking Words
some believe that
Use synonyms
children's
Check wording
children
show examples
should be signed up for the
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Conversely
Punctuation problem
Conversely,
show examples
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
support by saying we should educate pupils to engage themselves on their own. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
both views will be discussed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
I will illustrate my opinion in the end.
Activities
Use synonyms
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
a vital role in the upbringing of offspring
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
prepares
Correct subject-verb agreement
prepare
show examples
for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
extracurricular
Check wording
activities enables
show examples
enables
Correct subject-verb agreement
enable
show examples
the development of social skills
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
younger age. Someone who gets involved in
activities
Use synonyms
from a younger age
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
friends very easily, they are more likely to be more
out going
Use the right word
outgoing
show examples
and expressive, which
helped
Wrong verb form
helps
show examples
them in their career and daily life routine.
For
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
individual will not feel hesitation
while
Linking Words
asking
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
doubts in class
room
Use the right word
classroom
show examples
setting
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
they will ask their
interest
Check wording
questions
show examples
confidently, so social skills never hold them back.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
these
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life long
Use the right word
lifelong
show examples
learning.
Children
Use synonyms
should learn
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to spend
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time
Use synonyms
on their own,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
is considered to be a natural learning. It may activate the survival instincts
underneath
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
children
Use synonyms
because
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
will encounter the real situation. Initial hiccups make them aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
life long
Use the right word
lifelong
show examples
lessons.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
individual who knows how to stay lonely will not get
shatter
Replace the word
shattered
show examples
in challenging
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
like heartbreaks
etc
Punctuation problem
, etc
show examples
. Spending
time
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
their own helps them to find
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new instincts. In my view, we should balance the scenarios. We should evaluate every
individually
Replace the word
individual
show examples
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
if any
children
Use synonyms
found
Verb problem
are found
show examples
to be
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
, we may need
put
Verb problem
to put
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Linking Words
While
Change preposition
On
show examples
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
we should
also
Linking Words
evaluate those individuals who are
witnessing
Verb problem
having
show examples
hard
Correct article usage
a hard
show examples
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
staying alone
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
then
Linking Words
we may need to stop the
group
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
gradually, to educate them to enjoy their own company.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Your intro has the topic but many big errors. Make a short plan: view 1, view 2, your own view.
coherence
Give a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and show how it links to the main idea.
language
Use simple, short sentences and check the form of verbs and noun use.
content
The essay shows both sides and your view at the end.
content
You give some useful ideas about balance in life and learning.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: