IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that time spent on televiosion, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has a negative effects on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Time
Use synonyms
 spent by young
children
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 on electronic means of entertainment
such
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 as television, computer games and videos has a direct impact on how
children
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 view and navigate the world.
This
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 can either affect a
child
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 positively or negatively
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 I shall illustrate below. The effects of these sources of entertainment largely
depends
Correct subject-verb agreement
depend
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 on the type of
content
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 the
child
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 consumes. Think of it as Garbage in
Garbage
Punctuation problem
, Garbage
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 out. If the
child
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 watches negative and
vice promoting
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vice-promoting
show examples
content
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, the kid will definitely emulate that.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 the same case applies if the
child
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 spends
time
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 watching educational and enriching
content
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. It is the responsibility of parents and older authorities to monitor the nature of
content
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 presented before their
children
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's young and vulnerable minds.
This
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 can be achieved through imposing parental control on gadgets and adhering to age restriction guidelines. A responsible adult should not allow their
ten year old
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ten-year-old
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 son to watch an
R rated
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R-rated
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 movie or navigate some shady websites.
Additionally
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,
irregardless
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regardless
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 of the nature of
Use synonyms
content
Correct article usage
the content
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 presented,
time
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also
Linking Words
 plays a crucial
factor
Check wording
role
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. Whether or not a
child
Use synonyms
 is watching a movie on Netflix, learning or playing a game
spending
Punctuation problem
, spending
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 six hours behind a screen is unhealthy. Electronic entertainment is fine
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 too much of anything is poisonous. Television and computer games cannot substitute playing with friends and developing applicable skills in real life. Gadget addiction in whichever form is terrible for young
kids
Punctuation problem
kids,
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 as it limits their exposure to
real life
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real-life
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 situations.
Not to mention
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 that at times
this
Linking Words
 addiction can lead to poor
time
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 management in
children
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 when they
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 using these appliances over personal responsibilities
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as cleaning their room. It is an additional task for parents and relevant authorities alike to limit
kid's
Check wording
kids'
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time
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 behind screens. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
time
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 spent on devices can be very beneficial to
children
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.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 if left
uncontrolled
Punctuation problem
uncontrolled,
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 it does more harm than good. Parents and older authorities alike ought to manage what the young
children
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 feed their
minds
Punctuation problem
minds,
show examples
as well as
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 ensuring a healthy balance is maintained.

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structure
Plan your essay. State your view clearly in the last part and keep a balance of talking about good and bad effects in the body.
coherence
Use linking words to join ideas. Words like first, next, also, but help flow.
vocabulary
Try to use easy words. Do not use long or new words.
content
Give clear examples to show how time with screen can help or hurt, like learning or losing sport or time with friends.
position
The essay shows a view that balance matters.
structure
It notes both sides and ends with a clear idea.
content
There are good links to show control by parents.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • hand-eye coordination
  • technological proficiency
  • media consumption
  • violence and aggression
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • social interaction
  • virtual worlds
  • educational games
  • screen addiction
  • parental control
  • content curation
  • physical activity
  • time management
  • consumer habits
What to do next:
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