IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employees sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
In many
job
Use synonyms
interview
Fix the agreement mistake
interviews
show examples
，employers ask personal questions like what
applicant
Fix the agreement mistake
applicants
show examples
 do in their
resting
Correct word choice
free
show examples
 time or whether they
already
Verb problem
are already
show examples
 married.Some people believed that
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be helpful and useful for making hiring decisions,
while
Linking Words
 any other person against that it is unnecessary and
couldn’t
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 be identified.In
this
Linking Words
 essay,I will discuss both
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
show examples
 before giving my own view. At the beginning,we can think about some kinds of reasons for those people who support asking for individual
information
Use synonyms
.The most significant reason is to collect personal details may help employers understand a candidate’s leadership potential in the
job
Use synonyms
 or if they’re a team member.On the other side,knowing interviewee’s hobbies,interests ,
families
Correct word choice
and families
show examples
 might
also
Linking Words
 indicate someone’s abilities
such
Linking Words
 as creativity,responsibility,or teamwork.
For instance
Linking Words
,
applicant
Correct article usage
an applicant
show examples
 who plays team sports like soccer may be good at working with others,
while
Linking Words
 a person who enjoys
panting
Use the right word
painting
show examples
 or singing can be more creative and patient.
However
Linking Words
,many people disagree with collecting
such
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
,so do
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
.We believed that if the personal data
occupy
Wrong verb form
occupied
show examples
 the major question during our interview,it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 bring a lot of negative consequences.
Firstly
Linking Words
,everyone has their own privacy
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
if employers ask something too serious about applicants,that isn’t
respect
Wrong verb form
respecting
show examples
 them.
Secondly
Linking Words
,some
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of details may affect
applicant’s
Correct article usage
an applicant’s
show examples
 decision unfairly
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 marriage.
For example
Linking Words
,there is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 extremely talented person in
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
 zone
wants
Correct pronoun usage
who wants
show examples
 to join
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a company.But at the
last
Linking Words
 step in the interview,she was screened out only because of
the
Correct article usage
her
show examples
 marital status. Originally,she
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 choose a
job
Use synonyms
in freedom
Rephrase
freely
show examples
,but now it took a bad knock for her,not only hit people’s resolution,but
also
Linking Words
influence
Wrong verb form
influenced
show examples
 a lot when they
going
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 to interview
the
Change preposition
at
show examples
 other companies.Meanwhile, companies may have a downward trend in the next few year
such
Linking Words
 as leaving above one’s income and so on
,the
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 direct cause is
individual
Correct word choice
that individual
show examples
 questions lead to
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
show examples
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
plenty
Check wording
lot
show examples
 of talents and
also
Linking Words
 become to be the importance when find the
job
Use synonyms
 . In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some employers find personal
information
Use synonyms
 helpful, it often causes more problems than benefits. I believe
job
Use synonyms
 applications should focus on professional qualities, not private life.
This
Linking Words
 makes the hiring process fairer and more effective for everyone.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Write your ideas in a more clear way. Some lines are hard to follow.
coherence cohesion
Use one main idea for each body part, then add a simple reason and one example.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like 'First', 'Also', 'However', and 'As a result'.
task achievement
Answer both sides in the same depth. Your second side is stronger than your first side.
task achievement
Give more direct support for each point. Some ideas are too general.
task achievement
Use examples that are short, clear, and closely linked to the main point.
task achievement
You discuss both views and give your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You use some examples, such as team sports and marriage status.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
    What to do next:
    Look at other essays: